Almost a good day
Today was almost the first, really good day in a very, very long time.
The only thing which made it bad was kind of the fact that Louise’s cat Arabella ran away and that’s been worrying me the entire day. Well, even though Arabella wasn’t as well-mannered and easily controlled as my cats he still is a cat that I grew fond of and started understanding. My control on my cats have been a little bit too much and have thus led to an early laziness that some could argue is inevitable with indoor cats to develop sooner or later.
Anyway, I suffer with Louise. Partly because I do not like the thought of Arabella being outside somewhere, gone. It’s a very unsettling thought especially since he might not want to be there either but be confused, afraid and lonely or in worst case scenario wounded, god forbid. And partly because just the thought that if it were any of mine cats I would be mad. I would if able, leave work and gather as many of my friends as possible just to search as long as it took to find my cat. I would be so mad with worry that I probably wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep either.
This sympathy added to the fact that I still do not like the thought of Louise being in that situation, whatever she’s done, she doesn’t deserve anything bad and especially not this. I really hope he will be found soon, safe and sound.
Today Drak and Tereza came by and we ate Fondue, one of my ultimate favourite foods. I’ve been wanting to eat this for weeks now but I would have killed myself eating this social food by myself, so reminded of my loneliness and the emptiness inside. I didn’t particularly wanted to invite PB or any of the gaming group to do this either since PB seems to have his own life going pretty well and that’s a good thing and the rest aren’t that much of social gatherings of this kind if not combined in the right way plus the only way it would have been fun were if I invited them all, and then it would have been to much for the fondue.
So I “gave it” to Drak as a present for his birthday. But last weekend when his birthday took place, we were in Piteå and Drak seemed it would be too bothersome to bring the stuff to his place. So in the end we ended up eating it here. Too bad Adolf wasn’t here thou. Right now I have kind of three different groups I am socializing with and when I socialize with the Drak and Adolf group now (ever since 2013) Adolf and Tereza has almost always kind of been there. I like the feel and the social hierarchy of that group and the dynamic we have when all are together. Without Adolf it’s a little bit too quiet, too peaceful, and not many geeky stuff in the topics 😛
Well, after a very successful dinner I would say, we cleaned up a little and started playing one of Drak’s new games (!?). Which we played the whole evening since that game took from 20:00 to 24 to play (like predicted).
This is one thing which also is really great with this group. Not only do they have their own games, Most of our groups favourite games are actually spread out between us, even if my collection is like 10 times the size of theirs. I like that many of the games I really enjoy playing isn’t mine and thus I also don’t need to buy them and can play them with friends. It’s like getting a game for free, with accompanying co-players to play with!
Well, today has all in all been a good day and hopefully this is also a hallmark of the change in my life. I still have a lot going on in my life which is chaotic and very, very disturbing and might ruin me completely… buuuut. It will solve itself in due time I hope. And you first have to hit bottom before you can move forward.
Hopefully this isn’t my secret Tyler Durden that want’s to destroy my life and then burns every material thing I own to the ground so I REALLY need to start from zero again. That wouldn’t be pleasant if I am crazy and need to deal with my manic obsession with a book written by a guy who know have been so corrupted that he has lost his values… like me 😛
I abandoned lots and lots of my values for Louise trying to become a better person and a person which suited her better and what she wanted better, when stuff went to hell. Well, well, the fact that I can say this now without any stab of instant depression and apathy is a step in right direction. Still, I think it will be a year or so before I am completely over this devastating loss. But I’m still friends with her at least. If she then chooses to nourish this or abandon me again is completely up to her.
Today I got in contact with a loot of people from my past. People I’ve known since I was 4-5 and been in school with for like 12 years. I know that most of my the people I knew before I myself started using facebook used FB only for this. But since my work had me start facebook I know use it too much and finally have an understanding to Louise and other people’s obsession over this page. Now It’s one of my standard tabs but still I hate it. I can se flaws with it everywhere, but I use it all the time anyway. Why? There isn’t any better options and it has great coverage than anything else. And since I don’t have time to be a geek anymore, I don’t have time to set up the proper tools for communication or getting in touch with people otherwise. So I have to concede to facebook. And ask my younger self for forgiveness and blame Louise, since she were the one who actually made me open-minded, for better or worse, unintentionally I am sure since I wouldn’t say that she is that open-minded (I mean no offence if you read this).
Well, well, not gotten back to posting. But thinking of it, and also need to catch up on the author’s course I’ve signed up upon. Which luckily I can start with whenever. I will start writing books. My belief in staying in Luleå and having the role-playing group stay together is being less and less every day. People are changing too much, me most of all, and one day I will feel no attachment to people who have disappointed me and betrayed me too many times and I will pay all my debts (already in process), and foreswear all my obligations to my “friends” and contacts. And just bit by bit, dismantle my friendships to mere acquaintences and from there to somebody that I used to know. And after that, just let it fade into nothing.
And as an ending I will put a video of one of my new favourite songs that is on my playlist of sadness that I’ve used to get through these tough months:
Lyrics
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember1
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over2
But you didn’t have to cut me off3
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
[Gotye:]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
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