Midnight Ramble

Just sitting down, after a decent day ventilating.

Things are going in the right direction I think. I have, like it or not, gotten indebted due to some mishaps during my absence and I’ve spent too much money in Japan so all in all, I am for all practical purposes broke.

I’m still not back to a complete stable self, my memory is fuzzy compared to before and I forget small things and I’m absent minded and have a lot of misdirected energy or lack thereof.

But yeah, still going better. I’m dealing with my financial problems, rearranging them mostly and trying to get ahead of them. Shuffling them around. I expect to be back above 0 in a month or two and status quo in the mid of August.

But one step at a time, right? This has somewhat become my new motto…

I am embracing my faults and problems and meeting them face on in a way I’ve never done before. It is obvious I cannot return to the one I was, but trying to define who I am now is a hard part. Especially since I’m so exhausted all the time. Games have come to define me the past years, and they have, without a doubt, been what’s defined me since long before Louise. She only forced me to adapt it to a more “real” world.

Today Drak, Adolf and Tez where here playing games after I’ve worked, playing games. This is the fourth or fifth time we have done this since Louise crushed me and it has been a comfort and a great help in defining me, but also to see more of my faults and what I dislike in myself. In a good way.

Yeah, I’ve always felt that I am a rigid person that has problems of just letting go and just be. I also have known of my deep commitment and involvement in stuff can be a distraction. But now I’ve learned that I am unfocused, and being rigid isn’t really correct. I am simply not a “fluent” person. I can’t really flow in the moment as people do when they are with friends. This is something which makes people tired of being in the presence of me I’m sure. But even so I know that this only happens when I’m low in energy and the situation doesn’t have a clear path…

I need to know what is happening and will happen, or be in control of the situation or the situation will be hard to flow in. I will become like a fish in a bowl, running around bumping the glass, trying every possible direction until the current gets flowing. But then my second flaw hits. I take things too literal and to serious. When I’m in a more clear social gathering, where the situation isn’t loose and undirected It’s easier but in a situation where something is supposed to happen but nothing happens I get “stuck” and this problems occurs. Especially like today when I’m in an okay mood, but not a “great” mood.

Well, nonetheless having several social groups is refreshing and exhausting. I have different things to appreciate and look forward to with each group, and different stuff happens all the time. Plus their social dynamic gives a new perspective on things. And as long as people enjoy my company and is having fun this is very good I think.

But afterwards, like now, I feel the absence of someone else.

I’ve started to build on my relationships which I’ve let to wane and to create new ones that gives me strength and energy. But still, I am alone. This problem I’m working on and I have made progress but I am. Lonely and alone.

I have my cats, sure. But at the end of the day I don’t really share anything with anyone anymore. And I have not gotten used to this yet. Going to bed by myself. Doing all the lonely stuff like preparing for bed, cleaning, eating, by myself. It is a void which bothers me in many ways. One of the largest ways are the fact that I feel those situations greatly lacking. They are half-empty and meaningless. And another is the fact that I’ve come to rely upon the feeling of not being lonely and to have someone in my life to share it with.

Once this wouldn’t ever have bothered me, and now it does. And as a result, no such situation is satisfactory.

Well, I’ve started to get the activities going at least. I’m also working as much as I can manage and trying to get ahead there as well. I have a stupid feeling/idea that if I can just get a nice routine and order at work I will probably become more stable and return to being the person who always knew where he had himself and not be as absent minded and broken (mentally) as I am. I’m missing things and doing stupid mistakes which I wouldn’t ever do. I hate the fact that I am so broken just because of one girl fucking up my life and destroying everything.

Well, well, it’s easier to put that aside and no longer feel super sad and depressed over this fact. But I’m only getting to a point where nothing really matters and I’m trying to focus on those who actually still give me positive feelings and give my life meaning and not trying to destroy every part of me without any thought or regard for me and my feelings.

Well, well, good night!