Ramble LIV

Oh how long since I wrote a good ramble. Or at least it feels that way. But then again much has happened lately and sometimes you just can’t write in the speed you want to just because you simply don’t have the strength to do so. But well, here I am.

Japan, Japan, oh what a wonderful country. The trip there was wonderful even though it cost me in many ways. More ways than I originally thought. I knew there would be some problems with the cats when I got back home, I just didn’t realize how big those problems could become. But well, patience is a virtue.

As a real ramble I’ll just write whatever comes to mind as it comes to mind. Oh god how tired I’ve been lately. On and off my mood has swung up and down as well as my feelings and my energy in all. I’ve been very tired and I’ve been very emotional on and off. Things are changing again. Strange how things seems to change radically every two years in my life. And in essence it began when I was 14 when I met Foppa.

That is a really tragic but fortunate turn of events actually. If I hadn’t met Foppa I wouldn’t have had the reason to continue to develop Nianze to such a level that it became a game possible for more than just me to understand. If I hadn’t developed it to that degree I wouldn’t had start to invite people to play it such as David Henriksson, Markus Öhman¹ and Thomas Edström². From there came Joakim Zweifel, PB and Ankan. Little did we know who things would develop later.

The thing though is that even though we came that far role-playing wouldn’t had developed much further than that if it weren’t for Robert. If Robert hadn’t convinced me of staying in Luleå just by being himself I would have left everything and followed my original plan. That added to that I created WANO due to Robert convincing me of staying which led to Matilda and so on.

So if one were to balefire Foppa things would go really bad. I would probably not write this blog and Nianze would probably still be some plagiarized collection of rules and worlds of RPG which in essence were barely our own game at all. Only some vague ideas and flum³ created by me, Jonas and Daniel Lejon in essence. Though most of Nianze were created in my dreams. But not even that would have survived. When I had entered High School I would have ignored everything and maybe even have tried to move out of the country or who knows what.

In any case first Foppa, then Robert, then the release when I managed to move and two years later I managed to go to Japan. When I came back I turned everything upside down with a new vision. I changed myself, I changed my life. It escalated and in the end fell down on my head again. And now my life is changing again.

I have a lot of decisions ahead of me. Shall I move? Shall I try to pursue a different agenda than I’ve followed so far, which in essence will abandon everything I’ve fought for the last 3-4 years, shall I try to expand myself and dedicate myself to a single cause and change the scenery of life for me or shall I just call it a day, throw in the towel and proceed to the last entry on my agenda?

And of course is the alternative to just try to keep it all together and let it stay the same even though that is impossible as well. Say that I do nothing. I still need to do something. If I stay in Luleå and proceed exactly as I’ve done so far and ignore all the possibilities and opportunities, things are changing here as well. I might loose one or two of the most important things in my life just by staying even though that would be the most comfortable thing to do. I have new contacts which will not degrade if I don’t push them away and I have responsibilities I can’t easily escape if I don’t want to burn my bridges in that area. This by the way would burn a lot of them as soon as the other bridges hear about my burning the first.

Well, things are changing. Not to say that my self development is going forward also. Well, I know myself better by the day and the cats have thought me one good thing which is not the best thing. My anger and hatred is still there deep inside and it’s as strong as ever before. The past two-three years with all the emotional burst I’ve felt have almost made me believe that my sixteen year long accumulation of anger and general hatred almost had dissipated. I doubted it but I had almost started to believe it since the only time I felt burning anger or heart throbbing hatred was when I thought of harm coming to Robert and later Rasmus too. This though was mostly emotional feelers I experimented with and also a part of the development of our relationship as I became more fond and protective over the two.

Lillen though have thought me that I have real anger left. This is a comfortable thought since I lived a lot on anger before I met Robert and changed my worldview a little. The thing with anger though is that my greatest fear reemerges with it, my fear of loosing my self-control. I think there’s one of the few things of the past that I’ll never be able to get rid of, my fear of loosing my self-control that is.

Role-playing is rolling again. Rasmus has requested flexible days of RPG so I guess we’ll have that. I’ll be calling the sessions so I’ll need answers to my session statements so I know how many if any can come. You might post a request if you really wish it but there is no need for it. I will try to give you at least one session a week. Plus the regular Eye-session on Sunday’s if I don’t push that aside for The New Eye.

By the way The New Eye needs a better name. Any suggestions? I can’t think of anything. (Which somehow makes me believe that you won’t either, not that it matters anyway)

Tomorrow I’ll be helping out at Iocus. The idea from the beginning was that I were to do my work practice there but since it’s mostly a bother I won’t do that. You get the same money and everything so the only benefit is the work insurance. Which I personally don’t care about. It looks good on paper but a work practice is actually meant to get a job at the place and since I know Kjell can’t afford that and won’t hire me for real then it’s useless. That plus I’m not really after a job. I’m mostly just doing this so I can use Soc if things get complicated and I need additional money, which I might need if I move from Luleå.

Hmm…

1. Canoy ↩

2. Cogo ↩

3. I didn’t find a good translation!! ↩