Project 3 – Continuations – Part One
Poi’chi’rak, a once mighty city but now only ruins where the place where they had sent him. The dwarf looked around as he dismounted from the Raven Skeeter. Even though the city was just ruins it was inhabited – no place in Sancho that didn’t provide cover from the poisonous swamps and forests was uninhabited. Few in this pit of a hole had the resources let alone the skills necessary to build roofs or reinforce walls so most of the cover they had were worn blankets or tightly bundled big stone leafs. People, mutants, and spawns were living in holes in the walls, in corners or just a nook where they could get some cover and hopefully hide.
He could feel the strong scent of trash, excrement and urine amongst other vile stenches he couldn’t even identify nor would he want to. And in this place he was meant to find something? Amongst the crawling masses of lowest scum in the land? He grinded his teeth in frustration as he started stalking down the street. Without the syndicates to back up things and keep at least pretence of order and stability one could barely gain respect at all in rubbish heaps such as these.
And without respect and order people would act irrational and strange and not listen to reason. Even the mightiest would turn savage in these circumstances. And those sane enough to try to keep their sanity would go away or come here to be hidden. So that’s was what he was going to look for. People that came here came to hide and didn’t want to be found. People who most likely would kill on the spot if they thought he were here to search for them. Nobody hid in Sancho without good reason, and those coming to places outside the reach of the syndicate had even greater reasons. Reasons they would gladly die for instead of facing worse…
The sky was a greenish black as it tended to be close to an acid swamp or green lake. He thought it was close to evening but he couldn’t tell. The clouds were too thick so he couldn’t determine what time of the day it was. He grinned, finally some positive news. If he couldn’t tell, most likely few others could tell without a watch, and good luck finding things like that here. Without sense of time it was easy to manipulate people. He rubbed his hands together with a wide grin – time to go to work!
***
“Who are you now again?” the ragged man asked him again shooting suspicious glares at him again. The dwarf sighed, the past few weeks he had worked these men and even so the suspicion was high. He didn’t blame them though, this place obviously was dangerous. He was sure that his last informant that’s been here had been here on organ business. Which often meant people here ended up as reserves for Mutants or worse.
“I am dwarf Bou, remember me? I got you those caskets of outlander wine just yesterday?” he said with a faint but nervous smile. To add to the image he trembled slightly and let his eyes flicker. The man bought it and barked a grim laugh.
“Ya, I remember now dwarf,” he said but repositioned his spiked cudgel a little. Bou shuddered and licked his lips. The guard smiled, pleased that he had succeeded to intimidate him before he lifted up the little spring that kept the hidden stairwell closed. Soon Bou was walking down a narrow stairwell made out of stone but heavily damaged from the Shadow knows what. Behind him walked another guard – what an insult! – but he kept going. They only had one torch but he could easily destroy it if it would come to a fight. And in a close stairwell as this, he would win without a fight to speak of.
They reached the bottom of the stairs which opened up to an old wine cellar, though the wall had collapsed in some places and piles of dirt and mud covered the floor. They had put lanterns in every corner of the room and it seemed like they had dug up every tile in the floor too and repositioned them. Either they wanted him to tread lightly or they had prepared some emergency system there.
The room was far from empty though, there were piles with what seemed to be junk randomly placed here and there in the room and it seems like blankets and bedrolls where placed where they had space to be. Along the walls and in the corners men, humans, played dice games or sharpened their weapons or brew potions. The fires and all the smells in the room made it almost feel like a tavern or a big crowded family in a cellar after a storm.
“Bou is here to see you, Master,” the guard said as they stood in the opening. Bou tried to look afraid and nervous and used his flicker to count the men in the room. But his eyes stuck at the Master. He had never seen him until today but all he had worked for was to find this man in hopes that he could somehow get the object he wanted. Even if it meant killing him and his men. But the Master was not what he expected. He was long to be a Sanchonit and had black hair, that moved like dark flames! His eyes were deep in their sockets and his small intense eyes seemed only like black dots with a ring of white. He was almost naked, with only some twined cloth around his groin and swaddle around his feet. But his body was covered with, for others invisible angular markings running from his ankles to his forehead. Only someone aligned with the Dark Arts would be able to see those. He swallowed mentally, this could go very wrong.
“I said; why are you here… Bou?” the Master said again, his voice barely a whisper in the room. Everybody had stopped what they were doing and looked at Bou. Usually Bou didn’t care about such things but now countless of possibilities rose in his head and he almost panicked but in the last possible moment he brought forth a shaky smile and let his fear, his real fear, show in his eyes.
“I just wanted protection and to serve, Master…” he said questioningly. Trying to avoid his eyes..
“No you didn’t” the Master said calmly, not taking his eyes from Bou. Bou looked carefully towards him and tried with a stutter; “Wha..att mmakkes you sssay dat, Ma…”
The Master rose to his feet, slowly but determined. His markings started to blacken to an impossible shade. It was a warning. He knew. Bou dropped his act stretching his back calming his face revealing his weapons and releasing his aura. Many in the room drew their weapons and sprung to their feet and the guard behind him drew his dagger, but too late. Bou had already drawn both his Shadow Dirks and swiftly cut of the guards arm seemingly without even moving or looking towards him. The guard fell screaming to his knees with blood from his arm pushing out from his stump, but then the stump began to blacken and his screams became even higher.
He tried to scream for help but everyone in the room stood petrified looking in shock at the man that was being infested by the Shadow slowly transforming to Shadow Liquid. Everyone but the Master, whom still held his eyes. The guard stopped screaming and trashing on the floor as his heart finally gave up, even before his body had been consumed. May the Shadow bless his soul, he thought. And looked at the Master. The Master only nodded.
“It was his own fault,” the Master announced. “He shouldn’t have attacked someone in conference with me,” the men in the room looked at the bubbling pool of darkness that had been the guard and tried to resume what they had done, ignoring Bou.
“So what do you want?” the Master repeated.
“I want to know where I can find the Bracelet of Tochagian Shadowhunter,” he said matter-of-factly. The Master only nodded and said; “And you think that I know where it is?” he asked and this time Bou nodded. The Master looked at him for a long while.
“Who initiated you? Who performed the ritual?” he asked suddenly. What?! Of all things he could ask me, why that? Bou looked at the Master trying to read him but no use. Then he shook his head. “I don’t know. Five men in Shadow Black Robes,” he answered and the Master only nodded.
“The object which you seek is in the Cedar Mountains. I don’t know why you seek it since it has no power. It’s only a trinket, a symbol. No wielding it cannot channel Tochagain’s powers,” he said as he walked to a pile on the floor going through it, searching for something.
“And you are a sage or a man who knows things like this,” Bou asked mockingly. He got a hot glare from the man as he stood up from the pile with a thrashed book in his hand.
“I know this since there are others who have wielded it and have tried channelling its powers,” he explained with annoyance. He didn’t look happy that he had questioned his knowledge; well Bou wouldn’t have been either so he nodded apologetically. The Master nodded and gave him the book.
It was a journal. Not too old, but it seemed to have been through moisture since some pages had been blurred by something and others where only smudges. He didn’t recognize the script, but he would figure it out soon enough. He looked up with a question in his eyes and was met with an angry glare. He averted his eyes, he shouldn’t question the Master about his intentions. If they would fight, the Master would win, he was certain. He must have the knowledge about how to align people to the Dark Arts, he had never seen someone with those marks and from what he know, writing in shadow couldn’t be done on anyone or anything. He bowed to the Master and then he withdrew. He had a book to decipher and a bracelet to find!
What is a Raven Skeeter? Or is it a raven named Skeeter? Come to think of it, that is also something you do strange stuff with sometimes. Nothing concrete to say here yet though. Will have to get back with you on that some other time.
Why past tense here? This is more like a fact, not something local to that point in time, right? Also, why not “no place in sacho that provide cover from the poisonous swamps and forests is inhabited”? Why “didn’t”?
What are spawns?
Think it would be better with “nor did he want to.” We are in the present. Not sure “would” is correct there, that is more something that you use in similar cases when asking for something and trying to be polite.
“the lowest scum” I think it should be. Even though there are quite a few “the” already there.
Shouldn’t it be “back things up” and “at least the pretence”?
“that’s” is a contraction of “that is”, so in the text above it would become “that is was”…
Would sound better with “and wouldn’t want to be found.” Also, might be a good idea to change it to “People came here to hide […]”.
I think it would suffice here with “reason”.
I think it would be a better end to have a sigle ‘.’ there. I don’t know, it just feels to informal to have “…”, more like chat or something. But it could just be me.
Remove the “at him again” since the target is quite clear and you don’t need to repeat the word “again” this way. Or are you repeating yourself on purpose to express the state of mind of the POV?
Same thing here again with “that’s”. That is another problem you sometimes seem to have, what these apostrophes actually mean. So it should be like “that had been”.
And that brings me to the “you’re”, “youre” and “your” that other persons tend have trouble with, not mentioning names.
Another? Is anyone walking before him? The ragged man? If so, why not say earlier instead of repeating the name “Bou” (a little bit too much…) that “Soon they were walking […]”? Or did that guy stay up there and another guard followed Bou?
Try “in a narrow space as this” so that you can vary the word “stairwell”.
Better flow without “too”.
Better flow with “seemed like junk”
You switch to present tense here…
Why seems (or seemed if corrected)? Could be removed to become: “and blankets and bedrolls were placed where they had space to be.”
This also brings me to another thing you miss quite often. The difference between “were” and “where”, in other posts I have also seen you using “thought” instead of “taught”. Words that sound similar but have different meanings.
Switching tense again: brew -> brewed
Also, try replacing the first “or” with a comma.
Is this a typo, have you changed it or have we pronounced it wrongly before? Since I think it has been “Sanchanit”, maybe a change with the translation?
Either remove the comma, or add another comma after “invisible”.
Nothing really wrong with “…” inside quotes, but why not a ‘?’ here?
Is he determined or should it be that he rose determinedly?
“off” instead of “of” here again.
Not “but to no use.”?
This sentense is odd. Maybe “Weilding it does not allow you to channel Tochagain’s powers,”?
Should it be Tochagian or Tochagain? You use both in the story.
The tense again: know -> knew
Good idea to call him by his cover name since then it is easier to make the story more clear. In the beginning it felt a bit forced, but later on it got better.
Only one question remains. Why did the Master simply tell him about the bracelet and hand over the book? The Master was the stronger one as later stated by Bou. Why not a bargain or something? Some form of respect for what Bou is?
It is taking form quite well. There is also space to add stuff inbetween these chapters you have now written if you wish to make it more of a complete story. Right now it is a bit jumpy, going directly from one decisive situation to the next. To make it really good, I think it would be a good idea to add some more “normal day” stuff. But it might still be good to write these 3*3 stories first so that you have a baseline to work with and later on fill in the blanks.
It’s a creature. It is not supposed to be more than a fleeting notation in this story having one wonder what it is. But only a small thing. And yes I do this sometimes, but most of the times I do it to tease you to become more interested in some cultures and to provoke your imagination.
Spawns can be a little of everything. But in this case it’s mostly referred to humans and creatures being transformed by the demonic influence of Cedar and those who have fallen to the Hadan Virus. Since the highest amount of people like that are, surprisingly, in Sancho.
It’s not a typo. When I pronounced “Sanchanit” in english it sounded wrong. And since it is a Swedish word for it I’m experimenting with different words. Sanchans felt a little bit too close to Seanchans but I think that Sanchan is the best English word for it right now…
Typo. It should be Tochagian.
Kind of the idea. The story will jump over much that happens inbetween and only focus on the “happening” of greater events focusing on the goal and the deeper meaning. Normal day-stuff will be at a minimum. Not that there is much normal day stuff for this character.
Just posting to say that I havent forgotten the post, but im not home until later tonight and have very little access to computers at the moment, but I will post when I get back home.
The dwarf kremis journey continues, and yeah it was nice to give him a name, made it easier to read.
Otherwise I like the descriptions of Sancho, it gives a nice picture of the dangers and such of living there.
So Im guessing this is some new thing added for kremises? Sounds abit like Tyniker, magician thing, but more hidden for
non-kremises or was this something special for kremises like the master. atleast if you try to figure out something from the text it sounds like this is something all kremises have, like some sort of recognition between kremises.
About the reason why the master gave Bou the book so “easily” I think it might have to do with the answer Bou gave about who initiated him, which is also an interesting thing, getting some deeper insight into the world of kremis, or the master simply saw no value in the journal since the from his reasoning the item holds basically no value, but im guessing it do hold some value if you know how to use it properly, which probably the ones that hired Bou does.
Other than that, Raven skeeter sounds interesting, I dont know why but the first thing that popped into my mind was some sort of twisted more evil version of a chocobo.
And Shadow dirks in action, seems to be really really nasty.
Other than that I saw some spelling errors and such but Ankan have already pointed them out, seems abit like this story was writted abit hasty, since I saw some more typos and such than usual.
Keep up the good work, the story was very interesting and insightful.
Heh, not really. This thing is a Kremis thing but it’s not possible for a player to gain this. It’s almost the same as the Witchdoctors. It’s something that exists but is not possible in any way for players to be or play other than under very, special circumstances. I actually planned to show and describe these things to Devon if we were to continue with his single-sessions. But he died. So he didn’t get to know how the Shadow Arts work.
It’s not a chocobo. It’s a flying creature.
About why the book was turned over so easily. It should be obvious if you try to understand from the worlds perspective. Think in a bigger picture, think ahead instead of just focusing on the now and then. It is really easy if you put in in context with other things you know.