Ramble XXII

Today have been a really slack day. I’ve been quite sick so I’ve mostly slept and played EQ and watched anime. I actually didn’t plan to play EQ today but then Foppa were going to play so I started to play with him. Then after he quit for the day I took some time to reorganize some stuff and continue to fill my apartment with stuff. Maybe I should start to actually create something more useful to my apartment… right now it’s mostly books and even more books and a monster floating around…

Oh, I just felt like I should write a Shiteru ka? Kyuban or something. If I continue with the same title on that series of posts maybe I should start using numbers or roman letters instead when I finally hit ten because it will be quite long titles if I’m going to write Shiteru ka? Juunihachiban, if you assume there would be 28 Shiteru ka… which I think will take a long time considering I’ve only written 8 in the past two years.

My sister will leave for Stockholm on Wednesday and then continue to Gothenburg on Tuesday next week. There she’ll stay to around the 21st before she will start her travel to Barcelona. She’s not sure whatever to do after that but hopefully she will feel better in Barcelona and then she’ll stay there.

You see both Maria and I are broken in some sense, I myself consider most of my afflictions to be fictional and just something I imagine since I don’t have any hard proof =P. The only thing I’ve gotten proof of was my heart problem in 8th grade and the best medicine my doctor could recommend were sun and taking it easy. And this Maria confirmed this year when she had her health inspection (which she had to have through her job) and they said the same. She has a lot of genetic afflictions which I too should have to some extent and we both have confirmed that we lack vitamins or whatever it was from the sun.

Maria, who likes Barcelona, Spain and Brazil, will most likely travel there to see and feel any difference while I won’t. I hate those countries; they are stupid, their language is the worst language I’ve even encountered except Finnish and Russian, and their countries are dirty and messy. They don’t have any culture there I like, whatsoever. But I hope it will solve my sister’s problems with her body since some of her problems, which I might have, she has in a much larger scale. Like her knees for instance, she can barley walk sometimes. I only have one knee messing with me and that’s mostly when I walk long distances and try to push my body while training.

Whatever, I don’t care. As long as I can stand, think and do what I want I don’t care if I’m deadly sick actually. My vision has become worse so I soon will have to kill my eyes and my hearing is even worse. Like today I’ve been half-deaf on one ear and the other have been aching. Although I think it’s because of my current condition so it will probably, hopefully, go away soon.

I’ve been thinking about possibilities of extension lately i.e. leaving this place for a while or indefinitely. I have no idea if I want to do this yet, but I have thoughts of it. I have quite good possibilities here and there and sometimes I lose my conviction about why I’m staying here when I’m actually want to seek out a person and personally kick his ass and ask him for the truth. It’s only now that I realize that the way I’m playing with people is what he’s done and not only the way but most likely why too. If that is true my world-picture really would be broken.

This is why I should have written a Shiteru Ka? Instead, I’m starting to ramble about stuff people don’t really understand nor care about. And there it stopped. I don’t know what happened but after that sentence I just stared on the screen for about five minutes just thinking and my mind was… not empty (gha! I’m not that über) but… calm. Not as much motion as it uses to be all the time when I’m writing.

Suppose I’m leaving town, what would I do now? I would most likely cancel my TV, start to sell stuff and take it easy for about a month or two. Just reducing my stuff by giving it away little by little and selling it little by little. I would probably start to save up money to have some cache and I would probably start repaying debts and try to finish some stuff here and there. I would sell my apartment and then move. This would take, well, maybe six to eight months I assume and during that time I would have dissolved everything here most likely. Then I’m off to new hunting grounds to find new prey or whatever I’m going to do.

Japan would be appealing, or trying to put myself in a tight spot. I haven’t been in one of those for quite some time. I have too much control over my life and surroundings since I moved from home. I think that might have made loose some of the sharpness I had back then. But well, I’ve lost a lot since then. Muscles, coordination, ordination, reflexes and everything. The only thing remaining right now is my natural body-shape. Or not natural, but most likely almost as bad as it can be.

But then again, what do I need all those things for if I’m just holding a pen or writing on a keyboard? Why do I need to fight, why do I need to survive, why do I need to be agile and athletic when I’m just sitting by my computer, doing errands in the vicinity and just slacking in general? Well it’s exciting for one thing, and it will give personal stimulation just as creation of something will. If I then have use for it then it will be really rewarding, like RPG is now. I not only find it stimulating but I can also be rewarded by it, in many different ways.

I really hate to sleep, speaking of bananas, it’s awful and it’s horrible. It makes one lose the sense of progression and reality. When I wake up I’m certain this is real, but is it really? I know it’s real because it’s more vivid than my dreams and it’s more detailed since… you actually experience a lot more at the time and not miss the small details as an itch or a noise in the background. Dreams are often soundless in this dozy kind of way. It’s like the air is full of gas which makes the sound hang or like you’re under water but not. People often say that you can determine if you are asleep or not by reading, but that isn’t true. You can determine if you are asleep or not by listening and feeling. If you feel your body and can concentrate to feel certain parts of it and still feel the rest of your body in the sense you do while you’re awake, then you are awake and should stop acting like a fool.

But often in a dream when you realize it’s a dream you get control over the dream. Sometimes the dream stops just because of this an everyone and everything is like staring at you with the look like; “Why did you do that?” Like you’ve farted or something. When you then focus them to move along its quite hard work to make everything seem real again. It’s like multitasking, it’s hard in the beginning but when you get the hang of it it’s rolling like a wheel but can easily be stopped when something fails or there is a bump on the road.

The scariest thing with sleeping is how it completely soothes your feelings. You are in a different mood when you wake up then when you got to bed. It’s like you were a wrinkled cloth and during the night someone has ironed it and when you wake up everything is back to status quo (not always, but mostly). You actually can reason, if I go to bed and sleep I know I will be thinking differently in the morning even though I’m not tired yet. I do not like this strange change. And I do not like to question reality and my level of sanity each morning either. No I do not like sleeping.

Always when I’m alone for a while and mostly with myself I get these crazy ideas into my head again. I hate people. Well, I’ve always disliked people, but somehow it get worse when I’m alone. A minor dislike turns to a major dislike, a major turns to despise and despise turns to hate and hate turns to god know what. Anger and spite? Whatever it is I become more cynic and less tolerant and impatient.

I could continue, but I think I shouldn’t. Now I shouldn’t.

Good night.