Ramble IX

It seems like the title Ramble have become a popular title for my posts when I don’t have a clue about what I will write about today. But well, that was kind of the point to why I started with it I think anyway. Here is a picture to start off the post;

So well, yet another day has passed and I’m still alive, amazing… or maybe not. I’ve read some articles today about life and everything and I’ve had some time to think while I’ve been watching a couple of extremely boring movies and playing… or at least trying to play, a computer game for inspiration on stuff.

One thing that is pretty interesting to think about is how I myself am thinking and how I work as a person and a being. This is, and will always, somewhat be outside my own reach I think. The thought of seeking up someone actually capable of analyzing me have crossed my mind but I think that either I need to like wait forever to get something like that for free or I need to pay up about a billion to get something like that which I’m not interested in.

Okay, try to follow this if you are interesting in my train of thought. You are born. You were born out of a miraculous and pretty strange process that exists in nature. You get your life somewhere around then and if you are lucky you survive until you pop out into this world. Well, this IS a given for our life even though it’s pretty strange. But that’s not the point in this. The point is the sentient thing of your own humanity. So well, you were born, and you probably couldn’t call yourself sentient at this level.

Well, you soon develop skills to talk and assuming that talking is thinking, which it not necessarily true, you start to think based upon what’s around you. This in undeniable and therefore everything you see, hear or in any other way intercept with your senses is making you a person. Still not the interesting part, which is your life. You grow up you learn to think as you go and you do stuff and you get by, day by day and develop as, what we like to call a ‘human being’.

You are unimaginably small in the beginning and you grow at a astounding speed even though we can’t literary see it as it grows. Your thoughts change all the time and you learn new things all the time almost automatically. Now we are talking about something more close to the actual point. As you grow your memories and feelings become the base of your life which later forms your personality. Is it then true that all that have happened and all that is happening is actually shaping your mind if you are able to think about it? Can I myself influence my mind by trying to be aware of my surroundings and what affect me?

However, the tricky question is how have things I’m no longer aware of directly affected me and how much of that am I to thank for the person I am today, or blame for that matter? But how did I think as I did that when I was four, how did I react when I was exposed to that thing when I was eight and what made me do that when I was ten and when and how did it feel to realize a new thought and how did my thoughts so rapidly turn around and how is it that I am what I am thinking what I’m thinking now and so on?

The key, I think, to truly understand myself as I want to understand myself, is to know stuff I probably can’t remember all to well. How I did think in situations and how I did feel. Because if I take the Christmases I remember the best in mind or my most prominent memories I can remember the situation, how things looked like and almost what was said or what I think was said and sometimes I remember a feeling often in form of scents or smells. Hum… I think this is a little bit hard to understand the point of all this but basically it’s about knowing how I came to be here and to know my subconscious thoughts by looking upon memories of times that are long gone.

I know how I think now, I know fairly well how I work and I know what I want. I think I should be really happy to have this because there is a LOT of people I know that mostly humour things away or answer with one of the worlds easiest answers to every question; “I don’t know”. Mostly when I don’t answer it’s because I don’t feel like sharing. Which is kind of strange sometimes I think. I am human after all and letting people know me is kind of in our nature so we can mate bond and stuff.

But the questions I am interested in are questions like; why do I like to be tidy? Why do I do things in a certain way or why do I like this or that and how do I think? I also wonder if I think like I think or if I don’t think like I think. Many psychoanalysts often says things like that you do some things because of this and that and that that is a mechanism to protect yourself or you don’t want this and what you really want is that. When I think in one way, is it possible I cannot be aware of something else? I mean so far I feel like I think straight and that I know a answer to most questions about myself, but that’s also what’s bothering me.

If I know everything about myself, is this then true or is this self-made lies that I believe or want to be true? I mostly think no, because self honesty is kind of something that I always will have. If I deny who I am to myself then I am a terrible person. You should be and do what you want no matter what. And if you cannot act on every feeling then you must at least be able to admit it to yourself. Like if you give someone something and you say that you give it because you want to be nice but what you actually want is to use them for your own purposes. In my case I often like to say why I do something to a person if I tend to use him or her again but it depends on when or who. Like PB, if I need his help bluntness is never wrong depending on what I want the price to be.

With Ankan it’s no play at all often. I mostly just spill it out without hiding what it is I want or why. Mostly because we think so differently that it is no use for me to do it in any other way with him. There are, like mentioned thousand times before, a select few who I often don’t use for any other purposes than to help them because it satisfies me because I like them more than everyone else on this planet. This is my true feeling and feelings are hard – and should not – be altered. Robert and Maria is the foremost people in my mind, maybe with a slight exception for me, and that is also a pretty interesting thing. Why it is like that.

I have my speculations about why but I cannot be certain that is right either. I mean, Maria is my real sister after all and I’ve always had her around I guess but even so it feels like something special and sometimes I think that I like her so much just because I have stopped to care about so many others. Robert I’m not certain, I’ve seen him grow up and I’ve always wanted a brother but I kind of got that in Forsberg already but hey, I guess that’s just the way it goes.

One thing, now out of the blue, is me with interactions with people. THIS is something I would like to know why it is like it is. I am very… different in many situations and in some situations, often with complete strangers, I have no problem acting however I want until I’ve gotten to know them then it gets awkward. But it some situations I am with no exception big as a giant and out forward and even enormously cynic even though I don’t even think about it. Well there is many situations when I feel I just slip into some behaviours but the point isn’t my behaviour but rather my social capacity. I am unable to properly interact with most groups of people under normal circumstances and enjoy it. I wonder why this is.

Well, enough for tonight, I have some things to do and some places to be tomorrow. I won’t miss it this time.

Best regards,
Herid Fel