Ramble IV

Well, I just wanted to write something. It’s in the middle of the night and I realized that I will probably fall behind if I don’t write anything now. I will be busy most of the day today so it’s now or never so to speak. Falling behind isn’t really such a big deal, I think that there are actually few bloggers that blog every day just because of the principle and most blogs I’m keeping track on have big gaps. I though, want to write something on every day.

This though sometimes is hard when the day have too few hours to write all the time. Even though I would like to be up all day long I can’t and that’s what makes it impossible to always keep the blog full with insightful posts and such.

Right now I’ve tried to continue on The Seven Rings, but forcing a Short Story isn’t good. That’s why the final Myth chapter isn’t here yet. I’ve not felt that I’ve been in the right mood to write it for a while. And the day I felt like it I wrote Pushing the Limit. I still have some corrections to do on that one but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. Too much to do as always.

Things are coming together, believe it or not, but actually things would even be better if I hadn’t decided to fully give some people authority over my life. Well, it’s kind of a trust issue actually. I will let them control my life if they want it but when I get tired of it I will do what I want and if they go against me because they think it’s wrong or anything it will go bad.

This actually brings me up to a nasty topic. Dreams about trust and loyalty. I dream every night and my dreams are vivid and I always remember all of them (as far as I know) and I can control MOST of them. I’ve actually started to forget that I can control my dreams in some of them. It’s just because they feel too real and I kind of… don’t think about the fact that they could be a dream before the dream has shifted or ended.

Ankan, is an interesting person actually. Please do not find this offensive or anything but I will be blunt. I both trust you more than most people around me and at the same time you are the one I’m most paranoid about. In many of my dreams when I’m not aware of I’m dreaming you are always the one betraying me or fighting with me which gives disastrous results. For both of us. This is mostly based on the single fact that you ARE the most dangerous person I have in my presence. I am paranoid after all and even though I give you all my trust in many important matters I still know that you possess both the power and knowledge to bring me a lot of trouble. And I think also that of all the people I could fight with, you are the only one who could actually give me resistance. Well, that’s a risk I’ve taken and even though I know this I still have you around, which is kind of weird. But lately (the last two years) I’ve been really strange anyway.

Which then shifts over to my next subject. I must be “wrong”. This is kind of weird actually and I can’t really explain it. But when looking around and trying to analyze and understand things around me as I always do I see that I’m not that different from everyone even though I want that to be through. I think first. But then other things starts occurring to me which make me believe that there IS something wrong with me. People can do stuff I can’t even think of doing and when I actually try to do it, it seems almost impossible for me to go through with it because of lack of interest in anything.

People can study, heck, even Foppa manage this! I’ve never really studied since Elementary School! I’ve barely managed by trying to follow on lessons and being there and still playing my game doing what I want. My natural talents have brought me here but when it comes to study I’m a lost case. Just look on the teacher thing. It was really, really fun actually and I felt like this was something I could do. But even so when it comes to study and do things others want me to do it’s not that easy. I lost interest as always.

Then we have work. Work is a concept which I don’t think I’ve quite grasped. The brief time I had with EQS is not to be considered a work and then Paper Boy duty didn’t end well either. Errands and cleaning is the only thing I’ve actually managed to finish and those things aren’t even real jobs. PB is capable of working, but I would like resign out of boredom most likely. Money is appealing in its ways but freedom seems to be the only thing I’m really comfortable in.

I know that I don’t have much faith in society but it seems like I don’t have much faith in life itself or something. Even people who I know don’t have any faith in society does this horrible things like studying, going for educations, jobs and shit which I don’t. It doesn’t appeal to me at all. Only when dreaming about what I COULD do with money and if I had a perfect job or something. But those day-dreams are like dreams of becoming an astronaut or a super hero, not going to happen in real life.

I lack dedication to do anything else other than what I feel like and what will happen if or when my feelings run out on me and I find myself to be even more miserable than everybody else? Well, trying to analyze myself is hard as hell because whatever I come up with I can either deny or dismiss and then I realize that everyone probably would do this if anyone analyzed them. It’s denial and when you are deny yourself then you can’t prove or see if you are right or wrong. I could say that I’m an attention seeker. Then I need to think and feel; Am I an attention seeker? Hmm… yes probably but most likely not, but yes maybe…

You see, it’s quite hard to see if and what I am when I can’t do anything else other than to compare my actions with others actions and even so this whole comparing thing will become coloured by my prejudice and my twisted view. I think I feel this way I think I am this way, but what can others see that I don’t? I have a subconscious which might be my connection to my soul or inner being which defines me as a person, but can I ever be sure that I actually want what I can reach?

Like thoughts, it’s divided upon many layers. The first layer is the verbal level which we use to construct and listen to our own words in our minds. We actually can hear what we think even though in an very abstract way. But if you think about it when you internally speak with yourself you notice that every sentence you “speak” you already thought but in a less concrete version that you can’t really put to words. You feel like it is words, but the more you feel and think and try you’ll realize that it’s neither. It’s deep constructions in a more basic form of thought. This layer that you sense is the second layer and you actually CAN control it through some training and gain some kind of serenity in your mind. I’ve only managed to do this like once, but it was very brief.

Though the mind is said to be constructed by five layers and it should be possible to reach even the third layer but interpreting it would be the hardest part. The only thing I’ve heard about it that it’s should be something like impulses in many directions and knowledge, memory and thought mixing together. The person who told me about the whole thing said something about that you would probably feel many confusing feelings at once when you reach in there and when you dream you actually tap into this deepness almost all the time when you transfer your short term memory to your long term memory.

This is becoming quite strange talk I think and considering how hard I myself have to sometimes read long posts on others blog’s I think that most who reach this line knowing that they’ve read everything before this in full and concentrated and not just kind of skimmed through it should be complimented. But well, in either way it will serve as a good thing for me.

Today I need to replenish some breakfast material, swing by the city doing some errands, and send in a lots of papers and make some calls so I don’t need to pay a lot of shit I don’t need anymore. I also need to finish the scenario for tonight, write another NN and finish everything I need to finish for TA.

Best regards,
Herid Fel