The Normal Feeling

A long, long time ago I had different goals, different ways of being and thinking. I was set on those goals and ways. I didn’t question them I only did as I did because I wanted to. I lived solely for myself with my own goals and was truly egocentric to no end. I liked that life and it felt like freedom and I set that as normal, for me. Then it changed, as it will change again I am sure. But still, this feeling is the normal feeling.

While walking back home from the TA dinner this Wednesday I felt like everything was back to normal. The feeling was freedom once again, I only live to satisfy myself in the ways I enjoy the most. The thing that troubles me didn’t exist, but then I started to think why I feel like this and what it that has made me is loose this feeling in the first place. Well the answer is actually quite simple. I changed.

I was actually free and I had a strong vision of what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be. That vision would have brought me to another place than this place, where I live in this apartment with this fragile life-style. I would have been a much stronger person that I am today (most likely) and I would have had something completely different in mind. My mind would have been set on dying by being killed, hopefully with a bullet in the back of my neck.

But the feeling is returning once again. But even if it returns in full my life is so drastically different that I cannot go back, only forward to build a new life. And sure everything in our life changes something inside of us as we grow to become another person than the person just a moment ago. A long time ago I was sitting on a bus, together with PB heading home. It was the first time that PB gave me an impression of himself. I am not sure if he remembers this but it was just before he vanished from RPG for the first time, this was long before Ankan started playing with us.

We had just started to play Diamond Fever and he was a magician I think it was Kabal, and he was praising the adventure and its possible plots. He really talked and talked about who could be the villain and what it could lead to and everything and the whole time I only said a few words. If someone would have told me that three years later I would spend as much time as I do today with RPG and THAT person I would have laughed. He was obviously a fool, but one that was willing to be used to satisfy me. But this satisfaction was only temporary, nothing I would do when I finally reached my goal…

So what did change me then? My own creativity and need to express my dreams into thoughts or my childish obsession over the game that never ended? Or my will to be acknowledged and seen by everyone as a mastermind behind something great? Or the loss of my mentor and the frustration of him leave me? Or the drastic circumstances around my relationship with my parents and my home? Ah, this got me remembering something.

I remember once when I got help from Nanna to deliver the tables from Finkan to Kronan. She said that “your relationship is broken” with my parents. And that I should try to see things in a different perspective. She said a lot about it, many times, and now when I look back at this conversation especially I understand what she was saying, though it would have been impossible to think like that from my point of view anyway. Everything IS easier when you can be objective and not affected in the middle of things.

However, what really changed me I think is Role-Playing and most of all Robert and Foppa. Mostly Robert then, when I started to become really frustrated with Foppa in third grade. I never liked anyone except for myself and my sister. My sister is the only thing I recognize and feel is a part of me and whatever I am, was or ever will be. And try to understand this; I never liked or like any of you really. I like what I can get FROM you and WITH you but I do not like you just because of you being you. Not actually. It might be hard to understand or ever explain but if you have access to your own feelings and can feel when you try to then you should know.

For an example, you like your family. But can you say that you like them like you like your friends? Love, like, affection, is different on all stages. You might hate your parents, but if you were raised by them, then you love them, even though you might not feel that deep warm throbbing feeling inside of you when you see them. Sometimes you like your friends too, but mostly you just like what you and your friends do and how you do it. When change comes you try to learn, automatically, to like the new changes, but things never get the same. But liking someone for real is something else entirely and when you have a friend long enough it becomes like that if everything is matching up.

Foppa and I have a strange relationship I think. I wouldn’t call us friends, but then again I wouldn’t call anyone my friend, and I wouldn’t call us brothers, not really. Not even pretended brothers. I can’t really put a word to our relationship right now, other than strange. But through Foppa I got to know his family and I got to know Robert (which obviously is a part of his family, but well distinct in this case). Robert was young, very young when I got to know him first which might have added to some of the effects later. In the beginning he was all over me, literally, and he later respected me very much. In the beginning I didn’t mind him I was there because I felt comfortable at their place and Foppa was a nice comrade to chat to. We shared a lot of interests. But seeing someone grows up and having a relationship to that person when he respects you change you somewhat when it becomes stronger as the years add loyalty and trust as well as other things to a usual relation.

So my strange relationship with Foppa, which I replaced with Daniel, and my new relation with his family and Robert added to my internal changes as well as my family issues made me change. My issues at home still harnessed me and led me to become strong, in my own way. And find my own ways of doing things but Foppa and company on the other hand dragged me in another direction. A softer direction. After my catastrophic fail with Foppa I completely threw away a big part of my life, which made me completely loose it. Usually if I would have failed in a thing like that I would just have shrugged and continued. But due to Foppa and Robert suddenly being something to me I didn’t I throw away a part of my own way of life instead.

This didn’t really change me over night, but that trapped me in my new world, a world when the normal feeling isn’t here and where things wasn’t as easy and free as it once would have been. But the feeling is returning, and I am inclined to wonder why. Right now it’s only now and then it comes up but it’s still is strange. Does this mean that I am returning to normal? The real egocentric person that actually had some skills in thinking instead of just manipulating and creating? Well, I don’t think so, but it should mean that I’m setting myself free from my own feelings once again. Hiding everything in that black shell I used to use as a metaphor for my anger and all the feelings.

That black ball, or shell, is still there. Sometimes I wonder what letting it free would be like. The urges to just hurt, kill and destroy things. Everyone has these kinds of feelings and I tried to lock these kinds of feelings up for about nine years in school and it fuelled me. It was a nice feeling and a real good weapon while fighting. If you had concentrated anger and sadness in one place you can get enormously much energy from it when you want to beat someone. It get’s berserk-like and you aren’t as skilled as usual but you get the Naruto-effect. You just keep standing up no matter how much you get.

The feeling is actually quite nice anyway, the normal feeling, not the anger… or yes the anger too but the normal feeling feels relieving and nice but somehow I think it’s not a good feeling. It’s a feeling that I’m finally letting go of what binds me here. Which is not so strange if you think about it. Things aren’t really working out as I wanted to here and my ability to read every bit of information tells me that the end is near even though some of us, including me, somehow clings to this anyway.

But for an example, most of PB’s vacant weeks I’m busy. Ankan have his study periods which in some sense disrupt the flow. Even so we aren’t playing as much as before, not even close to it. Foppa has been unfocused for almost six months or more. David has moved due to job. I’m having trouble living by my current life style, which means I need to get more money (a job or something). On top of this Foppa might soon start studying courses that he needs to be in other cities for, which is the David-syndrome again. And I have been enchanted by Japan. Let’s sum just these obvious factors up and se what we get…

PB is the one who will have most spare time because he is still in a immature state of life where he has only a job and only us (mostly) to entertain himself with on a sensible and meaningful level. He will sooner or later need to move for obvious reasons that he’s actually getting so big that it’s disgraceful to live with your mum and that he should soon want a life of his own when he starts to mature.

Foppa is trying to study, and when studying in stages you will sooner or later need to move to better places to continue when you live in Luleå. He also lives back home, but will probably not move until a really good reason is apparent. He also has a kind of unstable state of mind which will make it difficult for him to do anything, at all. Therefore his breaks might reappear and he might need time to revaluate himself and his causes.

Ankan is studying and it seems like the further he gets the harder it becomes. It is reasonable that it should be like this even though it could only be my ignorance about how it works that actually just assumes this. Even so money is something that is needed for life and therefore merits as summer jobs is a really good trait, RPG is not fitting on a CV. When he finally is finished there is a job waiting for a person like him and I doubt that Ankan will wait to get a job just because he could do other things? He is a gemstone for the working societies and I doubt that he couldn’t get a job he wanted when he’s finished. I estimate about two or three years until that happen.

David… is David, thank god for that. Even so, I think we’ve lost him to the brutal world of job. Even so he has issues to work out with himself too and I think that he is trying to mature as much as possible and finding out how he want things. Much alike Foppa in his reasoning, which is hard for others than himself to understand.

Me. An real mystery for some, especially myself. I know exactly what I want and when I want things but what I want doesn’t always add up with reality. I need to get money, so either I get over my immature reluctance to work and get a job or I continue to try and live on the bread crumbs of the society. I want to Japan and I want to live (sometimes =)) and the only thing still holding me here is Role-Playing and Robert. I will most likely one day forfeit both of them (I hope not, but it seems that way) and just take off and try to start over again or just seek out death until I finally die.

This is not the greatest of things, but this added to the fact that the normal feeling is starting to come every now and then I’m afraid that even though it isn’t over, I am subconsciously making it over to myself. But still much can change, and I believe that I AM changing right now and that maybe this change only will bring freedom to me in ways I am not able to comprehend. It’s like that bus trip with PB. If someone where to tell me now, how it will be like then… then I wouldn’t probably believe them. So who knows? A year or five from now the normal feeling could have turned me into a Family Guy with house, kids and a new heart?

Yatta, now I can grow old doing nothing with my life!

…

Or not.

Best regards,
Herid Fel