Just a Quick Note

This won’t be anything big, just something to read so I don’t fill this day with Junk later. Well, tomorrow I’ll be busy all day and then I won’t even be near Internet during the end of the day so I don’t want too many posts to write when I come back home on Sunday so therefore I’ll write a shortie here.

Today has been a fabulous day. Well, nothing special actually happened but it’s been good anyway. Except for waking up and going to bed that is. Going to bed is really not that horrible, but sleeping and then waking up is. I mean I rather die instead of waking up if I now HAVE to sleep. It’s not comfortable and especially not when my dreams are out of control, which they were on and off today. But the actual worst part is waking up and being so stiff in my neck that it actually hurts and then transforms into a headache. Though it’s been better for the past few days. There is a lot of tension there…

My dreams though are something else now a days. Some days I barely have any control at all or are even aware of I’m dreaming. I “woke” up in a dream yesterday realizing that I was dreaming. I was playing soccer with Foppa and Robert again, and everything seemed vivid. But hey! We haven’t done that in over two years now! There is always that hovering feeling that you’re dreaming in even the most vivid dreams so you just need to think a while before you are certain. Even though you can’t control that dream you can always determine if it’s a dream or not and always wake up.

Tonight though, I even had some periods when my dreams kept changing, not like a surrealistic dream but more like zapping on TV-channels. One minute I’m lurking around in a castle trying to survive the horrible drama that’s happening and then in the second moment I’m sharpening my sword and preparing my gear for a travel in the Demonic mountains. You get the point, it’s like jumping from one situation to the next only that I’m aware of this and therefore everything gets a little messy. And trying to control it just makes it bizarre. Well, in those times I just try to completely release control and observe instead and memorize what’s happening so I might make some sense out of it later.

Well, however, I’m one step closer to finding out if it’s worth to stay here or not. As I have mentioned in one way or another in the other posts this week; if I have a reason to stay here I will otherwise I will just move along. I won’t just drop dead because I might be without a reason for a moment, but I won’t spend my life searching for it either. If I lost one reason then I will do the honour to put an end to it.

I thought a little about that today while watching some series. How would other people see it if I ended my life just by taking it myself when I’ve decided I don’t want to live more? I mean, when I decide that, which I’m fairly certain that I will, I won’t do it because life sucks and things like that I will do it because I’m finished and I’m very curious about the next life. Why would people then make such a big deal out of it if you sincerely just want that? “Oh, no… he was is such a pain!” HECK NO! I can’t complain over my life, I have what I need and want even though I don’t have everything I want. But part of the life is WANTING something and not getting it, that’s so more exciting than getting it all the time. Because, if you get it, you will have to get something else later… and that’s just useless.

So all in all… if I were to end my life by taking it, which I once again say I most likely will if my heart doesn’t end it before me, people might mourn, but I’m just doing it because I most likely would feel ready to pass on to oblivion or whatever is beyond. But hey, if I have reasons and something would, as unprobable and unlikely I think it will be, change my mind to live until I die of natural causes…. then I will live until then. But as long as I think as I do right now I won’t live over 30.

Best regards,
Herid Fel