Flashback

Oh dear lord, you that are in heaven, please forgive us for our sins and grant us eternal life… of doom and darkness.

Yeah, that sounds about right. Eternal life is pretty much doom and darkness. However today have been flashback day for me. I’ve had vivid visions and recollections of memories and time from so long ago, many of them with sentimental value involved but some of them just a re-emerging of a long since past feeling.

My lack of trust in others will most likely be the only thing that really drives me to write about these kinds of things on the blog. Lack of general trust probably makes it easier to just shed everything… well almost everything.

However, to return to the flashbacks it all started just after I’ve finished digest my breakfast and were cleaning my ears in the bathroom (too many details?) and I suddenly remembered a lot of situations just like that and then for some reason I started to think backwards. What have happened in the last few years, what have changed, what was before and what was after. As I rewind my life I saw things more vivid than ever before. Mostly when I do this I need to push it and some sections are blurry or jumpy. But today it wasn’t.

This made me realize some things that I’ve slowly have tried to accept the past few weeks, because it’s been a really slow period for me. Somehow my life feels completely different and it all started with that… thing. Afterwards (since the 7000-post) I’ve tried to get it all back to the same but it’s impossible. It’s not the same! Even though I’ve managed to get my RPG-motor back in the same mode my life is different in a very non-different way. Processing and accepting the fact of this have made me think back on a lot of things and even trying to push away the feeling of drastic change.

Seven years ago now my life started, as I see it right now. Almost everything I had before then is gone in one way or another. I don’t have the same friends (or rather, friend) and I don’t have the same interest. I’m not fighting and I’m not doing highly illegal stuff anymore. I’m not trying to become a smartass and I’m not using my capacity to cheat the system completely and become a rebel of the modern age. I’m not even living in the same place; everything from back then is just gone. So well, what drove me back then? Actually, from my current point of view nothing more than a role-model of what I wanted to be and some weird fascination for pain, which I still have left.

Understanding oneself is something that seems to be important if one is going forward. Well, I loved what have happened after that even though I would trade lots of things to re-live or just to keep it but seems like moving forward is to create something new instead of holding on to other things. It’s actually pretty childish and stupid to be stuck in things you can’t change. Though it would be even more stupid to just give up and let it go away. Trying to occupy yourself with something else to mask your pain isn’t going to solve things at all. Then I would be just as worthless as most of the people around me.

Regressing is a good start, but regressing all way is stupid. Now I can look back on many things that have happened in my past and cherish the memory with joy and find meaning in life just because of that, and if I’m not too stupid and live for a while longer I will most likely be able to do this about these moments too. It somehow feels like a failure or maybe rather like a snapback. I’ve been trying to release emotions that this stupid society has locked in because males are raised with the fact that feelings and emotions are something males keep inside and females nag about. Well, it’s an huge overstatement but it’s the essence.

Well, I’m going to stop this post now because I’m kind of distracted and even so nobody will understand or even have any interest in understanding this when I know that most people that reads this have some weird reasons for it. Like… wasting time with simple little things. Been there done that, life is meaningless with only doing that. But it fills the gap, so keep on doing that if it works for you. As for me… I will continue to live like me until I either change or get tired of it and if my body won’t do the honour I will just help it on it’s way =).

Best regards,
Herid Fel