A Possible Short Story 2
This is one more short story. The last one was just a brief moment from Nianze that if you know some facts explain why things are as they are for the moment. It might also be a little fun to have some insight in what happens to those of our heroes that we actually know about. Though lately I’ve been modifying most of your old characters history to match the new storyline. Just to let everybody know, Lei is an immortal and a hero. He’s still close acquainted with Cyane but I’m not sure if he knows Hellfire anymore, but it’s possible. However, the short story of today is about someone completely different.
And please, if you see some misspellings or typos feel free to comment it, or just sentences that need some reformulation or anything. I’m trying to improve my writing skills so it’s impossible to do so without feedback.
He swung quickly around the corner and stopped instantly to listen for a second. Except from his racing heart and a distant clatter from a tavern he couldn’t hear anything. He peaked quickly out into the street but only to see the hovering Guard Sphere floating in the middle of the street and he quickly withdrew his head, but too late.
STOP CITIZEN! YOU ARE BREAKING THE CURFEW! I WILL ESCORT YOU TO AN OFFICER OF THE MAGISTRATE,” the sphere said in a high-pitched voice.
He started to run into the alley and as he ran he heard the low buzzing sound of the sphere pursuing him. He didn’t like this new magical stuff that had started to appear everywhere. It made the life of a simple thief impossible. Not that he was a simple thief, he was a master thief! Even so, life of a thief had become almost impossible in the last few years. But he wouldn’t give up, magic or not he would find a way to beat it.
“IF YOU DON’T STOP NOW YOU WILL BE PUNISHED BY MENARIAN LAW,” the sphere said. It wasn’t that far behind him and it seemed to gain on him, this was bad. He had seen what those spheres could do and it wasn’t pretty. As he ran he drew his dagger and prepared to turn around to face the sphere. Then suddenly another sphere appeared in front of him. SHIT! There was only one way to escape the spheres – the roof. He kicked off from the ground straight towards the sphere in front of him.
“SURRENDEEEee,” started the sphere but when he stepped on it, it flew down towards the ground as he tried to reach the right wall. When he landed on the wall he quickly pushed away and bounced from one wall to the other until he reached the rooftop. Just as he threw himself up unto the roof a beam of red light swept past him. DAMN, that was close! He could even feel the warmth of the beam as it dissipated and finally disappeared.
“And where do you think you’re going?” a soft voice suddenly said. Startled he looked around only to see a dark silhouette of a man or maybe a woman sitting in a crouching position in the shadow of a funnel looking out over the city towards the moons. The red moon would soon be full, in a couple of days maybe, he didn’t keep track of that.
“It’s none of your business but I suggest you start running if you don’t want to be killed by the spheres,” as he spoke he started to run over the roof away from the alley. Then suddenly a third sphere came up from the other side of the roof flying straight at him.
“YOU HAVE BROKEN THE LAW! YOU WILL BE PUNISHED ACCORDINGLY!” it said as it flew straight against him. He turned around just to the other spheres emerge from the alley. Strange enough the man… or woman, it was still hard to determine, just sat there without moving away from the spheres as if nothing in the world was wrong. The spheres thought otherwise, one them of approached the crouching man while the other one flew against him. He tried to take cover behind one of the funnels and run towards the front street that was his only hope of escape. Then suddenly something much unexpected happened. The man behind the funnel started to move at an amazing speed. His eyes could barely follow the movement as the woman, he could clearly see that now, moved from the first to the last sphere within a blink of an eye and stopped right in front of hem looking him straight into the eye with her yellow glowing eyes as the spheres exploded in midair leaving a sparkling purple cloud behind.
“Thank…,” he started to say but couldn’t finish his sentence as his head was severed from his body and it started to fall down the roof and onto the street where it bounced a few times before the crushed skull finally stopped moving. The last thing his eyes gazed upon was the red moon almost touching the obelisk in the centre of town with its glowing inscriptions and he thought to himself; I was a great thief…
That was it for this time. I hope you liked it, even though it’s a little bit harder to understand who it was about and what really happened when most of the details of the mystical woman in the end is only known to one temporary player from Jokkmokk. What I can tell you is that her name is Sears and that she was and in some way still is the companion of Tuon.
Best regards,
Herid Fel
He swung quickly around the corner and stoppen instantly and listened for a second.
-Try to reduce the number of ‘and’.
He peaked quickly out in the street but
– out -> out into
Guard Sphere floating in the middle of the street and he quickly withdrew his head but to late.
– “his head, but too late” (adding comma and too with 2 ‘o’.)
and as he run he heard the low buzzing sound
– run -> ran
escape the spheres, the roofs.
– “escape the spheres – the roofs.”
As he landed on the wall
– When he landed on the wall
(reducing the number of ‘as’)
from one wall to another until he reached the rooftop.
– from one wall to the other until he reached the rooftop.
(since I assume there are only two walls this sounds better)
Just as he threw himself up a beam of red light almost hit him.
– Add a comma after up. Otherwise it can easily be read as if he threw himself up a a red beam… Until later in the sentence.
It’s none of your buissness
– buissness -> business
“YOU HAVE BREAKED THE LAW! YOU WILL BE PUNISHED ACCORDINGLY!”
– BROKEN
He turned around just to the other two spheres emerge from the alley.
– just to see the other
it was still hard to determine, still just sat there
– Try to eliminate one of the ‘still’.
The two spheres thought otherwise, because one of the spheres approached the man as the other one flew against him.
– Unclear who is ‘the man’ and who is ‘him’. Either this is a bad way of telling the gender of the other person or it is a bad way of referencing the POW (as ‘the man’). Can also be misinterpreted as the both spheres flew against the same person.
He tried to take cover behind the funnel and run towards the front street that was his only hope of escape.
– Rather unclear – who did this?
the man behind the funnel
– Referencing as man but never really decided that he is. Could be improved…
stopped right in front of hem looking him straight
– hem->him and adding comma (front of him, looking)
Another comment. Maybe some more description as he sees that woman. Since there is nothing that describes that this could not be some menarian guard… What one of those could be doing up there… Maybe something that insinuate that the person is also breaking the curfew… Something that tells this thief that the person is not an enemy.
And you only say the the woman moves from one sphere to the other and then to the man. Since he seem to be thanking her, she most likely destroyed the spheres. But that part is a bit unclear. But I suppose you meant it to be that way and let the dialogue tell that part of the story.
It is one way of telling the story but becomes a bit strange since you tell that the woman moves from one of the spheres to the other but not describing what she does. The man is POW and it would seem right to describe what he is thanking her for.
Otherwise I think it is actually a kinda good story. It doesn’t actually tell very much indeed, but really captures the moment. You told us who the woman was, and I suppose it was the story of her, even though we saw it through the thief. But who was he?
This I did deliberately. He sees only a silhouette of a man or a woman, and the rest he doesn’t care about in the moment. He actually deduct that the person is someone breaking the curfew, but in this situation he doesn’t pay too much attention. Instead of trying to write that down I simply let that be to give the situation a more… mysterious character.
Indeed, here I should add something that declares what happens. The effect will be added, but not the weapon or how.
That, you don’t know and won’t ever know. Hehe…
Well ill post a short comment , I think it was good but not as good as the third one , and the most interesting part of it was actually too see and understand abit how Meno is around now(although the story didnt gave away much).
And maybe abit more detailed description of the man/woman could have been interesting while at the same time not saying who it is in the pre-text before the story , since it would have left you with abit to ponder , like “who was that woman?” , “is it someone that we have met?” etc.
Well, yes. It would have been greater, though Jayde have met this woman in her evil form… she tried to eat you back then.
But that’s also kind of the point about the revelation. I wanted to tell you so you could piece together some of the missing peices. I didn’t expect you to have the whole cake of Tuon’s tale. Therefore I gave the name instead.