Isolation Part 2

Well, actually it has nothing to do with the previous post other than that the subject is the same. About me isolating myself from others and regressing to the loner I am in brief periods of time every now and then for the past eight months actually…

Well, today I was thinking a little about it and while I did some stuff I started to realize what this has led to. Me isolating myself is somewhat taking away what was life before. Even if I feel good and make sure to get my energy and all my life is actually reducing itself by this. What my life was is fading into a pattern that will lead to nothing and well, it started about eight or nine months ago but I guess it’s been escalating ever since Japan.

Either I break the habit, which most likely will happen sooner or later or I stay in it just rolling along with the wheel until it breaks. Moving forward doesn’t mean this, though it can mean this. In some sense this is changing lives or terminating others. Hmm, it’s tough thinking and trying to decide around that. Even though you reach what you believe is an understanding to your situation and then takes a decision out from what you think you know, it later may catch up with you to realize what’s actually happening.

I actually think that my sub-consciousness is hiding from something or someone. All my actions have without me thinking of it all been going in the same directions and even though it IS progress and it is forward it’s not really what I need. It’s hard to try to analyze yourself when you can get away from the fact that you’re always subjective when looking on yourself. I might look on my actions and determine how they affect me and what made me do it, but still I will lock out the stuff I need to see to fully analyze myself. Too bad it costs too much to go to a real shrink and than you can’t just get a shrink just because you’re curious if ones mind works in the way you think it works. Too bad I don’t know anyone actually capable of doing stuff like that, one more reason to why I wanted an identical brother…

It seems like Foppa managed to get PB to read The Wheel of Time, finally, so soon the whole group knows that book and if I don’t keep up I think I’m soon going to loose my right to even try to say that I know most about that book. The only problem is that I’m not giving myself any time to read stuff anymore. I’m always doing something else, maybe I ought to change that. Try to reintegrate some elements of my old life/lives. Hehe, I used to read books as a bookworm before, I wonder what the hell happened to that… maybe the Animation took it away. But well, whatever is the cause I am the one to blame for everything that went wrong in my life… Have I really learned anything from my mistakes? Hard to tell…

Best regards,
Herid Fel