One Day Amongst Others

Yes, today is one day amongst so many others, others that have been and others that will be. Nothing is different today from yesterday or the day before, still it’s another day and things are different. It’s contradicting but true in some ways anyway. The way all days are the same but still different is strange I think even so one little tiny puny thing can change one identical day to another. It’s almost like a wheel… one day the wheel is completely whole and nothing is strange or anything. Then one day one little tiny splinter just falls off the wheel suddenly makes creaking sounds even though everything else is the same… but not.

I am the wheel, I feel different even though it comes in waves. When I’m occupied I can concentrate and return somewhat return to my path even though it takes more time to get there. I feel distracted and even so, I feel pain inside of me when I’m running low on energy. Well, I can’t say that this hasn’t been coming for a while but still…

In all ways I am what I want to be, I have what I need and what I want to have. The only things other than this that I doesn’t have is puny things that are material and don’t even matter to me. Like the server fore one. I want to fix it, but it’s not a necessity to my living, it’s only something that would be useful to have done if I plan to continue using it. So in most ways nothing has changed at all, but something have changed.

Talking about pain, emotions, feelings and thought is actually pretty easy for me, the only thing is that I do not think that anyone can take things seriously. I mean, even though I might feel pain emotionally nobody will understand and I won’t let them understand either. I don’t hide the truth of these things even though I easily could and nobody would know. It doesn’t matter to me who know and who don’t. All people around me are too weak and untrustworthy to speak with anyway. Yes, this is almost an insult against all that reads this blog but it’s also an invitation to prove me wrong, which you can’t and then I win.

The only problem is that even though you try, I won’t make it easy for you. Therefore it will feel useless to even try because all people are in pain and have problems. For me… I don’t. My problem is lack of faith in people around me, faith and trust and that I don’t even consider a problem. But even so, many people find it easier to try to understand and help others even though they need help themselves. For some it gives them pleasure, for others it makes them forget about their own problems or even think; Hey, my problem is nothing compared to this guy! I’m lucky!

Well, actually I try to help people I think I might need for one reason or another. People I help and try to listen and understand and comfort and all that, I often do because I need them in some way or because I have very strong emotions towards them. Like my sister, I would gladly help her even though I would know that I wouldn’t get too much out of it that I actually could use. I have a few I help because I like them and want to have them close and others that I need for my plans to work out. Some I just like to have as company if I get lonely or just to relieve myself on different levels. Like intellectual discussions with purpose. It’s not something I would try with PB for an example.

Not to say that PB is stupid, he is just not into that area. He thinks in a simpleminded way and focus manly on his interests, which are few and mostly focused in the same area with a touch of laziness. I wouldn’t try to have that kind of discussions with Foppa either, even though he sure have a great capacity to comprehend things… it’s just that the discussion gets wicked by his strangled thoughts… Ankan, well, mostly he isn’t good to discuss things that aren’t interesting for him which often means… current. It has to have to do with something or have a purpose, but not always. And even so, we don’t really understand each other so well that we discuss whatever.

This was just an example of those I see and talk to more than others. The point is that whatever the person I actually wouldn’t even try to talk about me with others, this is what the blog is for. And you, naturally, wouldn’t try to talk about me. And if you would, I would just neglect you and prove my point. I mean, why even try if I struggle against it? It’s not worth it. Well, as stated, I use the blog for this purpose instead. I state about what I feel and how I feel even though people might misuse what they read and so on here. Exposure is the only way one can grow as a person. If you completely isolate yourself nothing will improve.

Pains of all kinds are good. I like physical pain in many (if not most) forms to a certain degree. I still have a natural reluctance against it, but it’s something that I’m able to break every now and then. Sometimes that ability scares me when it mostly appears when its least wanted. In situations when I don’t think very clear and most likely would really hurt me so I would regret it later. Emotional pain on the other hand… it’s pretty annoying. The most annoying part of it is that you can’t really decide what you think of it. One moment it’s something that you feel is for the better and the other moment you really regret it and hate it. You don’t know whatever to love or hate it or if you should be grateful to the opportunity to be able to survive more hardships or if you should resent the situation and deny the reality.

One thing that I think, most of the time is that, emotional pain is a necessity even though we should really learn from each situation with these pains. They are uncomfortable and hard to deal with, but it’s also these pains that later give a meaning to your life. Before, when I was younger I lived in a very hard situation… this situation was full of pain. Because of that pain I can now love my life. Love my memories, memories full of pain and agony, and a very few good things. Even so I love my life and the dark and hard periods are the periods I like the most, even though I can remember how hard it was and every drop of blood, sweat and tears back than that made me hate my life.

I hope and think that this situation is just one of those phases but this situation is new to me, and that’s why it’s so confusing. In the aftermath I hope I can smile and pat myself on the shoulder for another job well done. Even though it might bring the end to my current life as I know it. Right now it’s only to focus on the path before me, make out what I want and where my goals are, run for it and shoot. And if I miss or hit… doesn’t really matter. As always when I’ve done great mistakes… I still feel contempt with myself because I tried and didn’t give up until it was over.

Best regards,
Herid Fel