Breakfast Again

Finally I’ve gotten myself something to eat to breakfast. For a while I’ve been out of breakfast and as earlier mentioned it’s kind of vital for my mood and energy. The last few days when I’ve woke up I’ve almost felt like everything is utterly slow to begin with and I have to really struggle and try to get as much energy as possible to get my energy up, with the help of tea and similar stimulants. The only drawback of tea is that by the end of the day I tend to have a racing heart and some kind of anxiety that is flowing around like frustration within my body. That’s very annoying so therefore I prefer to have energy throughout the day instead not to mention that it actually gives me better creativity too.

I’ve stalled the last chapter of The Prehistoric Ages due to this too. Actually I could have done it when I wrote about druids and mages but I chose to direct my energy towards role-play instead that day. However, I think that I will soon have both time and energy to do this soon, now when I have a breakfast to eat.

One other effect of having low energy is that towards the end of the day I tend to become a little gloomy and sullen. And my pessimistic attitude and my cynicism rise too. Not to mention that I sometimes tend to for just a few seconds completely loose my objective and motivation. This has happened a lot of times in my life like a brief moment of apathy which I try to ignore with replacing every feeling with my logic instead. But I still think that this is kind of scary, that just for a brief moment everything seems pointless and meaningless to the extent that you are on the brink of despair. I never ever act on those impulses but sometimes I wonder what I would do if that would happen and it wouldn’t go away. Should I just try to live like a logic drone until it changes? Well, I sure hope that that doesn’t happen, life is meaningless enough now as it is, I don’t just want to live to live.

Even so right now it seems that I’m loosing some things that was important to me to go down to a fewer and fewer things to love and cherish. This is sad, but it doesn’t really matter in a while. In a couple of years I’ll just look back on this and cherish the moment, even though I always want to do something different. But who wouldn’t? We want to change our choices sometimes and do things differently but at the same time you don’t want that because you actually like the way things have turned out even though it’s not exactly to your liking.

For an example, a couple of years ago I role-playing was just a part of my get-by an outlet of all fantasy and energy inside me. That plus sex and fighting was my outlet of energy back then. Then I grew tired of sex and became more… slim in my needs. I started to develop similar ways to people I respected and look up to and my agenda were quite… radical. I would never love people at all other than my sister and I wouldn’t try to spend time with useless people that couldn’t satisfy my needs. Now things are slightly different and my agenda is different due to my attachment to Robert and Foppa. I changed my life for another course and even so I degraded myself from what I could have been to what I am just due to this. Some things in my choices I should have done differently, even so today is kind of an okay situation anyway, so far.

I have never liked people as a group. I like a selected few, and mostly when they aid my objective. Some I like just because they are themselves, but those I can count on one hand. Things like that will never change even though I live this lowlife-life. I live at a minimum and with minimal needs. I have about what I need, the only thing I need is time and energy, which I sometime lack. But well, life is up and down even for the best of people so I guess I have to have my downs sometime. I only need to do things more efficiently and on time.

So what do I wish? Well, most likely the same thing as most others wish. To be happy, to have people to understand me and to be free to do whatever I want. So what of this is fulfilled? Hmm, I am quite happy, I don’t think anyone even tries to understand me and I am free to do whatever I want. Well, two out of three isn’t that bad, hehe.

Best regards,
Herid Fel