Something Different
I just thought that I should write something different and not always about RPG and stuff so here we are… what should I write about? Is there anything besides RPG? Hmm… this is hard… how shall I make this? ARGH!!
Actually there is plenty things to talk about besides RPG, so no worries I could go on forever1. The last few days I’ve been concentrating on trying to finish off the Prehistoric Ages and during the days when I haven’t done that I’ve been busy sulking or having people here, like yesterday and today2.
Yesterday I got a pleasant surprise in the morning as I mentioned in the protected post, some of the stuff we ordered arrived. It was dices and shit that we had ordered from eM4-Miniatures and I invited Foppa and Robert over with the intention to use Foppa’s metal glue and to see Robert, I also wanted to try out some battles with some changes I’ve made recently. When they arrived I got a second surprise, Andreas was with them and that was a pleasant surprise. We chatted a little about this and that and we even tried a battle on the battle mat and had a intention to try another battle but due to some difficulties with food this didn’t happen.
Well, it was pretty fun and like I said earlier I’ve been kind of sulking or something the past few days on and off too. To begin with some strange things have started happening to me, besides the nosebleed, and I’ve missed some people quite much. I’ve felt a little bit off and aggro against everyone and everything and when all my efforts seem to go to waste I suddenly just burst or something. I had a minor negative burst where I really felt like ripping something apart when I just got so fucking annoyed over a strange memory loss I’ve obviously got.
Someone, most likely myself, had rearranged my stuff in the bathroom locker, and hid away my washing-up liquid and dish-brush, not to mention made some other things disappear too. When I started searching for these things and found most of the things I just couldn’t understand it. I went through the day, and the day before bit by bit and unless anyone had broken into my apartment just to fuck with me, I must have been the one to do all this stuff. At first I believed that I had done it in my sleep then I remembered that I had used things that were gone after I’ve gotten up this day. Then I also remembered that I almost had started the day with washing some dirty dishes too so well…
I do not want to think about it but I couldn’t find a hole in my day anyway, except for the two hours I spent on taking a stroll and going to Kvantum by myself to return bottles and buy some stuff that I needed. That was the only time someone could have broken into my locked door (my windows were closed) and ONLY gone into my bathroom, completely re arranged my stuff and then hide my stuff and throw away some things somewhere… that is not a plausible explanation when there was no mess or not even missing a single thing worth money.
Well, whatever I say now, but anyway if I go back to sulking I’m sulking mostly because of the FRA-law. This has now given me some more problems that need solving and this may very well lead to me moving out. I don’t like the idea of living under a real surveillance that is abided by the law and I would surely get problems too, I’m not exactly legal in my actions so to speak. But the complications on leaving are the thing that’s bothering me. If I leave I most certainly will have to break the connection with those most dear to me. Connections or bonds if you like, that already before the law have been crumbling like an unstable cable that wants to break lose.
Actually it’s a lot more complicated than that, but to simplify things and to speak something that is somewhat a clear, leaving Robert, RPG and some other minor things that I’ve grown accustomed to and find convenient, is hard. If I do leave my current position, I would lose my easy way to live as well as many friends and potential future friends. I would lose my only obsession that is really giving me something to live for and I wouldn’t develop RPG any further, most likely… In short I would have to change my whole Raison D’être, this is nothing no one does easily I say. So I need to really see what I want, what I have and what I will have, before any final decisions are made. But well, whatever happens life will go on.
”… keeps right on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea.”
Yeah, I’m to attached with my current life, but it wouldn’t have been like this if things would have turned out differently four years ago… which right now seems like a very, very long time ago. Four years ago things started to go in this direction, and here we are today stuck between now and then that still torment us and will most likely haunt us until we have dealt with it. The truth doesn’t solve anything; it only complicates everything when not everyone wants to see it. Why aren’t you and I like you and them? That would have been so much easier, just to blend into the crowd, be the crowd and be one of the crowds. Only keep on living not really caring, not really trying, just living… flowing like a leaf in a stream with no control over it’s own destiny since the tree dropped it and let it fly away with the wind.
Yeah, I’m a sentimental biatch. Caring too much and when realizing this and realizing my mistakes which isn’t really mine, I try to put on the distance, to make the distance help me undo my mistakes. This is stupid with avoiding, making distance and trying to change things only to undo something that isn’t really my fault and that actually if I really follow my own philosophy… is something I shouldn’t fight against. But that depends on how you see things and where the hope are. Can I change this? If I can, then it could take away a lot of suffering, for more than just me… if that matters. If I can’t then I’m doomed to go on trying forever while I suffer just because I do not try to make it possible…
Whatever, people doesn’t listen to me anyway. I’m just crazy, obviously, and assertive and too demanding. I make demands all the time, I make rules that makes no sense. I decide, I control, I do this, you do that. You try to control me, I will fight you. You try to use me, I will use you. You try to be funny with me… I will despise you. You try to make fun of me… I will hate you. You try to take away what I love from me… I will kill you. I am crazy, you are sane. No need to waste your time on something you obviously doesn’t care about, right?
Anger, love, despise, hate, agony, pleasure, lust, will, yearning, dreaming… that’s life. Mine though, is pretty easy, only that my life actually is about following my feelings. And when my feelings are going against each other… it’s pretty tough… then I have my principles. But then again… hope will come into the picture of the really, really hard cases in which I don’t seem to be the one in control. And then it gets complicated. Not to mention that with my way of being, and my way of demanding, I won’t ever have friends. Some I force myself upon, others believe that they can have something without effort. It’s a domestic triangle… A wants B, B wants C and C wants A. But nobody wants the one before.
”I want Tyler. Tyler wants Marla. Marla wants me.”
– From the Fight Club novel
Well, I think I will end today’s random shit there and go back to whatever I did before I did this. Yeah, one more thing, I’ll now reopen and restart some polls here they are! Yes, I do this again with the futile hope that more will vote and that some of you shadow watchers will register and vote too. But that I know won’t happen but anyway…
[poll id=”1″][poll id=”5″][poll id=”7″][poll id=”8″]
Best regards,
Herid Fel
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