Back in Luleå

Yes, it’s pretty nice to be back, even though I had a great time in Sundsvall and got some good change from all of you, hehe.

Well, I bled again this morning before we went to the buss. It’s the eight time in two weeks, it seems like my head wants to loose some blood or something, heh, or maybe not. However, it was a nice trip with good experiences even though I felt a little bit off. Like always I don’t fit in any group even though they are geeks it always seems like I’m not that kind of geek. It was like hanging around LuDa¹, different somehow similar to everybody else. It’s a feeling I’m quite used to but it’s just strange that it’s always like that. Even though I think that it somewhat part my fault because I divide myself into two when being around people like that.

Even so I now find that I have somewhat a better view about how Camilla’s life is and how it works. Understanding is an important thing if you want to be friends with anyone. I thought about that too, friendship while being down there. I don’t consider myself to have any friends, and well, some of you may find this a little disappointing or not even care. But my requirements for a friend and what is a friend is quite different I think. This affecting my ability to make friends, in both good and bad ways, but I don’t really care when I’ve always been looking on this matter in this way. Even though I maybe could find someone that maybe could be called a friend I need to let go of all my mistrust to trust that person. That is almost impossible, when I’m so cynical that I always think that people always will use what they know.

I test this all the time only to be proven right, which is bad. I tell someone something and when they abuse this information in one way or another without knowing it, they prove to me that they can’t be trusted. People joke about things that shouldn’t be joked about without trying to understand, this is creating a distance instead of a bond or even a possible passage to build an eventual friendship. Now this is very understandable, people don’t find everything that funny to look at seriously when if you joke about it you instead give yourself pleasure on the behalf of others. This is when many people say; you got to give of yourself if you want something. Well, I can give of myself, but if I’m ever going to have a friend, that won’t be the kind of relation I want to have, I despise that awfully treacherous behaviour.

Then again we have people that somehow manage to pass by all my principles and all my strange inner workings by just being themselves in some strange relation to me. People like this are people that are involved in deep in my strong feelings. Feelings that wash away all that I usually have around me. My sister for an example, I’ve always wanted to protect her even when I was small and this was then explained like my only way of holding onto what was left of my previous life. I wouldn’t explain it in the same way, it’s just that she’s been there my whole life and she is my past as well as the present. Strong emotions have been created around her who in its turn have tied her to the emotions as well as the memories of the past. Then we have some of my girlfriends, which have managed to break through just because I’ve been in love with them, physically as well as emotionally. Heh, we also have Foppa and Robert, even though my relationship to them is quite strange in two different ways.

It seems like I’ve strayed somewhat from my original subject but anyhow it was fun, even though my feelings. It brought back some memories and I met a like-minded Game Master, and I have very little experience with good Game Masters with the same thoughts and vision like me. So that was one of the best things of the trip.

Best regards,
Herid Fel

1. The computer geek club I was in during High School ↩