Hashire

No matter how far you try to run from yourself you always end up next to yourself.

Even if you try to run from your shadow, you only end up in even more shadows.

I got a new phone today. It was actually pretty nice and neat and all that shit. After transferring most of my stuff from the old one it actually works better than the old one. But that may have something to do with the fact that this phone is really new. And believe it or not, my first completely new mobile phone, all my previous phones have been my fathers or my mothers or my sisters.

About the quotes in the beginning of the post it’s about how you try to do something to take yourself away from yourself, but even though you try and think that you’ve succeeded as soon as you stop you realize that you are standing next to what you were running from in the first place. Even though you are certain you didn’t run in circles you still are very close to the starting point. Strange… almost magical this illusion of running away from yourself one would think…

Yeah, I try to get rid of some things in my life and change others, but well. Though it works, the threshold between them is quite huge. Either I am or either I’m not. I can’t try to hold onto something on one side of the threshold if I want to be on the other. I need to let go, which got me think about a quote from Fight Club. But the thing is, I don’t want to let this thing go, not yet. This is the whole thing that is responsible for me even being left in Luleå after High School¹, otherwise I would have taken a completely different turn in my life a long time ago.

My problems with my body and certain things in my past have shown that even though I might not die tomorrow², I won’t live a “full” life anyway. How long I will live actually doesn’t matter to me for the moment, the only thing that matter is that I’m alive to do what I want now and tomorrow won’t change that now, anyhow.

. . .³

I miss Japan. I want to return there when I’m finally ready to let go of what made me chose to be the one I am today.

Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But, until that day, accept this…

I had nosebleed today, a bad omen considering… other things. Even so, I will try to have a session tomorrow⁴ I hope that it will go well…

Best regards,
Herid Fel

1. It’s easier to call the Gymnasium for that… ↩

2. Which I myself wouldn’t be surprised if I did ↩

3. Pretends to die from a stroke, which makes this sentence illogical, who would write this if I would have died now? Hmm, this post wouldn’t even be visible then, so whatever ↩

4. Actually today, and I’ve just had nosebleed again today… ↩