Travel Journal – Friday 2/5 – 08

And now I am alone again, AT LAST! This is quite the opposite from when Danielle and Nathalie left I might say. When they left it was a little bit empty here and so on, but now when both Simon and Adam have left I feel more relieved. Simon was getting on my nerves even thou I’ve tried to be nice and kind to him. His beliefs are so different from mine that it’s almost like our personalities repel each other. He loves the society and believes in it, while I detest them and live my own way. Well, you have to adjust to the system but that doesn’t mean that the system is so great. Well, I won’t get so radical right here and now, this is about Japan right? Well, today it’s been raining on and off and my mood was really, really bad to say the least so well…

I think I’m beginning to split again, in the sense that I’m once again want two things but can’t have both at the same time. I’m seldom unsure about what I want and what I feel, but once again it’s beginning to become a little bit unclear depending on my mood. I mean, do I really wish to stay here? I see a lot of opportunities to actually move over here, thou I need to change to a new lifestyle. Not that that really matters, but well… I’ve begun to help Miiko a lot with the CouchSurfing and at the same time finally practice my Japanese. She’s actually talking mostly in Japanese right now, but when I say I don’t understand she either repeats herself or try to say it in English, thou her English is very bad even thou it’s better than most Japanese people her age.

Well, as for the first subject it’s only that these thoughts as well as some other choices I need to make when I get home is getting me in a really strange mood. I didn’t feel like going for a movie or out this night, even thou Adam gave me a great opportunity to meet up with the exchange students from the university here in Tokyo he knows. It sounded pretty fun, just that my mood today was like… bad. I also think that the fact that I’m going home in a few days have made me realize that I actually miss some things back home. Thou I actually feel like all my memories of the feelings about home have become a little bit grey and dull. It’s almost like I’ve put my life aside while being here as well as the feelings connected to my life back home. One thing is sure thou, when I get back home I will probably change some things.

Well, what have I done today then? Yeah, I’ve been going around by train, like yesterday, buying things and walking mostly. Thinking, thinking and thinking and then think a little bit more. My mood was strange so I went mostly on auto-pilot looking for an Anime museum like thing I don’t really know what it’s really called. I found it at last, but I wasn’t in the mood for it so I went in and saw about three floors of eight possible then I got out of there. I’ve actually haven’t bought anything for myself today either. I bought Robert and Rasmus a thing and even one more manga for Emil¹.

I was doing this for about the same amount of time as yesterday before I got home and met Adam that was packing to leave. Simon had left a note about how fun it had been blah, blah, blah… but he had already went to somewhere, whatever. Me an Adam had a really fun chat for about two hours about philosophy, art, school, Japan, Atlantis, saving the world, and being different. I’m now positive that he’s a person like me with a little… different set of morals and ethics but well. After that chat it was like, good bye, maybe I’ll come by Sweden to ski. Even so I was really relieved to have the apartment for myself. I really felt like I wanted to be alone and that I needed a bath, which I still haven’t got… too late for it anyhow.

At some point Miiko came by wanting to get the keys and also asking for help with a CS thing. I agreed and went down after finishing some things. She was busy then, with one of her teachers so she asked me to go shop some food and she offered me to have some too, so she practically paid for my food today, so I went shopping. I bought myself some breakfast but other than that she paid the rest. I wasn’t in the mood for wasting more money on food or testing something different today so I just ate curry and rice plus some fried chicken and salad. Cheap is good, free is better, so it tasted alright. While we ate we had a conversation which Miiko tried to keep in Japanese but it didn’t go that well I think… Afterwards I chatted a little with people over the internet while also checking some mail and stuff.

Somehow I have the feeling that when I return, even if I wouldn’t try to change some things, life wouldn’t return to normal anyway. It feels like something has changed during this long time I’ve been away even thou I cannot say why. Maybe this long time of solitude or being around other people have changed something inside, even thou the core seem intact. As mentioned I think I need to somehow make decisions and change some things when I get home anyway. It doesn’t seem like this random babble leads somewhere so I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Tomorrow will probably be a similar day to this one. I’ll go bathing in the morning at the expensive bath, and then I’ll go out buying even more stuff. Try to decide what to buy for myself as well. I think I’ve bought everyone that wants something what they want. Ah, yes, I haven’t bought Jocke the thing he wanted. I went into a game shop today and I found a gun but not any of the games he asked for. I asked the shopkeepers but it seemed like the ones they had been sold out. So therefore I didn’t buy anything, I’ll get him a present of some other kind instead…

Best regards,
Herid Fel

1. Or David, whatever… I still mix his real name with the nickname I gave him… or actually Camilla aka Zaphod… ↩