Sentimental Talk
There is a lot of things that I want that I cannot get. Actually there aren’t that much I want that I don’t get but that’s precisely what makes the absence of the things I don’t get so big. I don’t want much with my life and I don’t need much to live and be satisfied. Life is like this for everyone, and actually having such a low requirements is good for me. I don’t need wealth, I don’t need every little piece of modern scrap and I don’t need to be able to do everything that is possible to do. But still I have these needs and yearning for some things that I still don’t have and that I probably won’t ever have. But well, that’s life just wanted to start today’s post with something like that.
While I was reading my post “The Scent of Today” I remember that I didn’t talk much about scent’s I like and dislike. But that’s mostly because I used the scents in that post just to describe the feeling of the day of restless freedom, or something like that.
There is a lot of scents I like and dislike, just like every one else. It’s a very few that actually like the smell of an fart, which often is quite stinky and due to the simple fact of where it came from and what it contains of many find it very disgusting. I myself can’t say either about farts. I don’t either like nor dislike them (mostly, some are worse than others). I don’t like fermented Baltic herring1 or paper factories, which smells awful. Cigarette smoke has various scents and most of them I dislike but I must say that some actually smells quite alright.
Well enough about scents you often find in the air, needless to say I’m quite normal on that area, everyone likes or dislikes those kinds of smells. I like smelling on things, in other words really smell them. CDs, newly tumbled clothes, plastic, plastic erasers, well… there are many things I like to smell. But my favourites are skin and hair. Feeling and smelling skin and hair is very exciting as well as very entertaining. Often I found the pure smell the best, without all the soap or whatever. But sometimes people smell of sweat and that isn’t that nice. One thing I’ve also noticed is that the softer the body part the nicer the smell. Arms, hands, stomachs and the neck are the best places, hoho. I bet that many of you find this very… strange and weird, but well… I wouldn’t write it if I thought that I it would matter. One thing worth to note is that some people smells better than others. Of the… four girlfriends I’ve head the last six years only one of them smelled better than most people, especially her belly.
Enough about smells, I just wanted to talk a little about it. Clarify that to me to be able to smell is very important, and to be able to smell those around me even more important.
I don’t really know when I sat down and thought about this but anyway, I’ve thought about people I miss and are able to miss. With miss in this case I mean miss their company, to se them, be with them or talk to them. There aren’t a lot of people I actually feel the need to have contact with like this and it wasn’t too long ago I myself couldn’t understand how and why some people just wanted to see and hear from me. I believe that’s about one or two years ago since I started to understand how it really is to actually be able to miss someone for real and even be able to understand those who miss or would miss me. So these past days I don’t really know why but I’ve thought about it and counted those I would miss or miss. Some I miss their company and the relation we once shared while others I miss their presence now when they are completely gone from my life. In all I think I counted to five or six persons I miss that I’ve lost contact with and about three or four persons I have around me now that I would miss if I wouldn’t hear from them and maybe one or two I miss the old days with. Quite sentimental, don’t you think? I actually sometimes miss my old self. The old me who didn’t have any friends, and that held his physic well-being and to be well trained as his number one priority. A lone fighter than considered everyone around him his potential enemy, the me that detested his feelings and that lived even more strictly by principle than I do today. Don’t we all miss that guy?
I’ve sent back my PS2 for repair, finally, and I hope that this time I will be able to play burned PSX-games too. But the most important thing is to be able to play PS2-games, so I can finish Persona, which I’m unfortunately are beginning to lose interest in, and Rouge Galaxy, which I’m currently trying to rebuild my will to replay so I can come pass the bug I were stuck with last time. But I also want to try some PSX games and play the whole trilogy of Grandia games, amongst other things. One thing I miss, if I may refer to my last paragraph, is to be able to play console games with Robert, hoho. Those were the good days, hoho…
I’ve begun to make more and more detailed information around my game-creations. Like the new post, Necromancer, which I wrote because of Ankan. But that’s not all… I’m writing quite a lot to Nianze lately and try to finish some of the things I’ve never even looked at. I’m finally becoming more satisfied with the world, even thou I have some work left to do, quite a lot left actually, but nothing compared to all that is finished.
School is going up and down. Some things I can’t even get myself to do, due to the nature of the task. Because some tasks seems so idiotic and meaningless that I must force myself to do it. And as many know when it comes to forcing me, I often won’t do anything about it anyway. I’ve tried to motivate myself but with bad luck. This program I’m currently in is quite interesting but I wonder if it’s interesting enough for me to continue with this after summer. I actually doubt it. For me it seems like when the summer comes I will take my leave from the program, bid all my comrades farewell and then go about with my life in one way or another. I don’t need the 2600 SEK I get from CSN. I can get a lot more from other places, which I have neglected lately due to the workload in school. So actually I’m going down in my potential economy due to the fact that school draws to much motivation and time from my hands. I am not cut to do what others want me to do2, so I will probably go back to do what I want whenever I want and take the complaints that comes with it (from mother and relatives). And by the way… all the books and equipment for this course are VERY expensive. Even thou things like camping and going on trips are quite funny, but I can take focused courses for this instead.
So what does my summer have in store for me? Well, hopefully I will go to Japan this summer. I’ve set myself on that even thou I have neglected collecting my money (but this ain’t that hard to get anyway). I will go there and I will have as much fun as possible. The only problem right now is money, but that won’t be a problem. If necessary I will take out some from my funds or borrow from my parents. Neither would seem to be needed. I will probably just go with about 20k and then have my credit card or some other reassurance with me. I need to practice my Japanese too a little. The problem while there would probably be to stay in the mood not get to annoy with PB and to spend money wisely so I can have fun and eat the whole trip; it’s easy to spend away all the money. Even thou it’s not Vegas and I won’t gamble… note that I’m only speaking of myself…
After this, if I decide not to go back to school I will probably start trying to find work again or maybe start to open something of my own with some friends of mine or something. If some of my plans until this have gone astray I will probably move out of town and leave all this behind. Even thou that may hurt me a lot I hope that my wounds may heal before I die, hoho. You know that saying that you always end up hurting the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.
And now for some material news and confessions.
To begin with I’ve just finished a game I have played for the past… three days. It’s name is Sinking Island and the base idea were to use the game as an template for an Cluedo adventure… But the more I played of this game the more I came to realize that this particular adventure wasn’t possible to just change some details to make it a fantasy Cluedo. So I completely forfeited that idea and played it anyway and taking notes to how they build up the adventure so I can try to build up a Fantasy Cluedo that actually will work and won’t be to tough. Even thou It will be VERY tough for me. Needing to play several characters, be able to set the setting right, and to have events rolling in a realistic matter and at the same time have a time going so they need to cooperate or something like that… It’s something for the future anyway.
The second confession is that I’ve just finished Deadwood, the series of a western camp just in the expansion of the USA in the gold age. Just before the end of the golden age and the settlement of the border towards Mexico and the Indian reservoirs. I used some of my knowledge from this series to develop the inner social workings of Katia/Lanticka and I even tried a rip-off like place as a mining-city. This were discovered by the big groups TV-geek PB, which he probably don’t see himself like, but he is one. Watching a very lot of TV-especially before.
Other than this I don’t have much more to say. Today is a dull day and I will now finish some things that need to be finished to school. I haven’t quitted yet…
Best regards,
Herid Fel
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