Undirected Rage

I’m feeling… angry or something. Maybe annoyed, can’t really put my finger on it, but something is giving me a short temper, or rather non-existent.

Since I got home today things have annoyed me to the limits. Like when I got home. I got annoyed on the postman due to the fact that he had creased my papers. And I got irritated on the plate I had in the sink because I hadn’t cleaned it yet.

Everything annoyed me, and I was bubbling with anger or something…
Well, it hasn’t vanished yet, I’m still annoyed and getting angry on simple things and my thoughts are very… cynical. I’m often not so cynical, but right now… well…

Just writing this post seems a little pointless; when I think that nobody will read it and care, just read because they don’t have anything better to do. And well, that’s true, but I know, trough my logic and reason, that people reads this, to pass time, but also they find some of my posts interesting and even tries to understand posts like these that can seem pointless.

It’s strange how I can reason my way past my angry self with cold-logic and reason. Thou I think that my anger must effect my logic. But it keeps me from being strictly mad, other than in situations when I act faster than I can think and end up doing something impulsive and violent.

I know why I have this right now. I’m a pretty angry person deep inside; I’ve worked years to convert my anger and hatred to energy to create and not to destroy, but the recent things that have happened have made it come back up to the surface.

I haven’t slept or eaten to well due to my recent trip, which is one of the reasons for this uncontrolled urges. And the other reason… Well… It’s because I have been on my old school for two weeks.

The years I’ve spent there I was bullied and alone. I have been alone since first grade, or rather even since daycare. Being odd, strange and violent kid I’ve been pretty much to myself due to my stupidity. Why and all that I don’t know. I have lots of memories from my youth, from when I was three to now, but how I thought before the age of ten I don’t remember.

However, being in my old school has made me remember and relive many painful memories, which have resurfaced during the time I worked there. I’ve also come to realize that I was practically robbed of my childhood. The summer when I was nine, between third and fourth grade, I was forced to start to grow up. Grow up an realize what I was, who I was and how I was. The things that happened that summer I won’t forget. But it was this summer I became something that I child shouldn’t become. This was also the beginning of the new me. The one me people know today.

During my school years, I used my anger and to gather knowledge, learn to hate people because of THEIR stupidity. I became cynical, angry and strategic manipulative. But I lost my childhood, which I have a hard time right now to forget.

So I was angry, angry and full of hate all the time. Learned how to be alone, what to do alone. The only ones I even spent time with were Daniel Lejon, that I just played RPG and Cumputer games with and later, Mikael Lejon, we would train together. I spent some time with others now and then, but no real ties. Just lost my virginity to a stranger I barely recall her name and forgot about love, until someone shattered that world, a girl able to reach inside of me and pulling me out of my dark world of hatred.

But that didn’t last long, and when it ended, I became someone else entirely. I developed more principles and started gather knowledge more than ever before. This time to use it to reach my new goals. At this time I even met my now closest… not friend, but something more, a brother maybe, Forsberg.

However, I became me, as I am today, trough this. And I learned to appreciate my youth, the bullies and all the hardships at home and in all, and I was glad for all what I’ve experienced. For not everyone have been in all the places I’ve been. Thou I’m not too unique I’ve experienced a lot that most haven’t. I convinced myself that my hard youth was good… and well, I still think it is.

The only thing is that all the old feelings and all the memories of the old time always buzzing in my head, together with the studies at the university that actually says that we need to process this; I’m becoming angry once again. Feeling all the hatred once again, this time because if I compare myself to regular kids that age, I wasn’t a child when I were in their age.

When I first saw Robert, and really noticed him, I thought that he was just kids who were more naïve that usually, but I’ve learned that he actually is pretty normal for his age, just a bit different in the usual ways. And I was the one who actually didn’t even were a kid when I was his age.

Well, I don’t think this is too easy to understand, but right now sometimes my imbalance, which is most apparent when I haven’t slept or eaten too well, is due to the fact that I’m having to re-experience my old issues I thought I’d defeated already.

This won’t be a problem, I just need to process this again. But my tolerance is low too due to the fact that I’m annoyed all the time. Think of that if you try to provoke me… ’cause it may have some undesired effects.

Best regards,
Herid Fel