Thuesday 21/8

Today is the first day for a long time that I wanted to write something here. The past weeks have been a little back and forth on many fronts and that includes the blog as well as the real life.

For the moment I’m almost out of food. PB bought me some meatballs and pasta to live on for a couple of days until I get my money so I should be alive for a while longer. Thou he still complains over the lack of role-play every single day and hour. That guy is addicted, I’d tell ya. But well, I can’t give that to him for the moment.

I’ll be starting at the university soon. Have some kind of kick-in period the coming weeks before the school start. I’ll use this time to see if this really is something for me and if I have the energy and lust to study or if I should find a job or something else to do instead…

I think that the lack of food recently have made me thing of things in ways I usually don’t think of things, with a grey shade and skepticism. I can feel myself argue with myself quite often and the last weeks, and often about the same things.
I’ve slept too much so I’m getting confused over whatever I’m sleeping or not the first two three hours in the morning. Well, not that anybody cares, but it’s quite, strange to be unsure if I’m dreaming or not.

About the role-playing again… I feel like I’m loosing vision, and that I can’t mediate what I want to mediate. I have my thoughts on why it’s like that but still it bothers me a little. And to add something on top of that I’m loosing my vocabulary somewhat. Haven’t read a lot of books lately so I think that it may have to do with it. But then once again I can’t be sure of that either. Just that I see complex things and visions but need more time to think before I can describe it, if I even can describe it. Lately I’ve been using references instead of my own descriptions which make things… look strange and wrong…

Speaking of bananas, my life has evolved quite drastically since ninth grade. Then once again, I don’t really know how others life have evolved but mine have evolved a great deal and the events that have happen me, well, they were almost like a taste of normal, which don’t suit me. But now I think I’m at a loss again. I’m stuck and my evolution won’t go forward due to my… split.

I wonder if people take what I say seriously, or if they just regard much of what I say as bullshit, it’s an interesting thought, considering that some of the important junk pieces I lay out there, never seems to be put together by anyone.

It seems thou I have grown as well as my many other of my immediate acquaintance. I feel a rift shaping on some ends, as we grow apart, and I feel walls building on other ends as we tend to change what’s between us. All these changes lead to the simple fact that I need to cut loose of some and accepting others. I’m not comfortable with to many “friends” and I’m not comfortable without people to use for my own personal gain. Some have said that my egocentric behavior will backfire on myself. But I think that the fact that I’m completely honest with myself as well as others on the fact that I’m egocentric is what won’t make it backfire. And as long as I’m ready to adjust when I need to

I don’t think it’s any more to say on that subject, for now, so I think I will end this post now.

Best regards,
Herid Fel