Travel Blog – Sunday 26/4 – 2015
This is a mix of Travel Journal and just a regular blog post. I won’t kid myself to believe that I actually have the time and energy to write every day now in hindsight. Not in the way I wanted to write a Journal. So I won’t even try to keep up that pretense.
Simply put, a lot has happened since we arrived. The first week of this journey, until we reached Osaka, has been filled with stuff. It’s felt mostly okay to do this and it wasn’t until the last days in Kyoto I got, affected by my deeper emotional state.
At this writing moment the day is Sunday the 26th of April, the time is 23:53. All in all my motivation is low and my dedication is faltering on and off. Things aren’t bad, they just aren’t good and I am not really disappointed, but things aren’t as I expected and wanted them to be.
I knew this back when I arranged NIRKO, that it probably wouldn’t be like this, but back then I did not expect myself to be in such a volatile emotional state either. Even though I’m far better and stable than I were just a month ago, I am still deeply wounded in a way that I have never felt before or had to deal with.
I can’t complain though. The purpose of this journey is to see Japan, have fun and experience new things. I cannot control everyone and everything, nor do I want to. But I wish that people would be more aware and at least interested in maintaining the base vision, but that too can be hard when doing things all the time.
Being in Japan is liberating in other aspects and I feel more and more that I could actually live here for a while. I can escape some of the pain of being home and I really, really like the atmosphere here. The people, the tempo, the way the Japanese cities are built. I also look forward to going to a small Japanese village. I hope it has the same rural feel as Kusatsu or even greater rural feel. Something tiny and remote, truly Japanese without all the high-tech stuff which are very distracting and part of my half-disappointment in my travel partners.
So far though I like Kyoto the best of the places we’ve been to outside of Tokyo1 ,both PB and Daniel prefers Osaka, but I really do not agree with them. Kyoto had a nice feel to it, felt really Japanese and had a lot of diversity in the town. You had a lot to do, as in most towns, but you also had food in great variety, temples, castles and a modern as well as old area. Plus it had a slower beat than Tokyo. Tokyo still wins though.
I’ve bought T-shirts. I’ve decided to try to rejuvenate myself by trying to change. I cannot go back to the person I were before Louise, I don’t even recognize all of that. I’ve changed too much. I’m more compassionate, more tolerant, more understanding than before and also has a need for companionship and the feeling of purpose and reason.
But my trust to others has waned into almost nothing. I believe more and more that I cannot trust anyone and that all will do their best to disappoint me and deceive me in one way or another. Honesty is not to be expected from anyone and to gain an honest opinion with the need of deeper understanding is astronomical.
Well, well, that being said changing is the only thing that will give me purpose and calm in my new extremely empty life. So I’m trying to change my style somewhat. Taking the tips I’ve heard that I’m willing to do and also trying to do things I’ve speculated about. Just defining me, focusing on me, and actually trying to decorate as me.
Well, I need to change again, find myself I think. I feel, as mentioned above, that I’m going back to my mistrusting days. People are disappointing me more than ever now when their lack of understanding and need to understand someone other than them is very transparent. I’ve always thought that I’m focused on myself, but others seems to in some ways be more focused on themselves than I am and not ever trying to bother to understand someone else.
Well, well, I will be trying to write more here. But I won’t force the issue. Writing blog every day is something of the past. Something that died and was sacrificed during my time with Louise. Maybe it will come back, maybe it won’t. Doesn’t really matter. I’ve just decided not to force it.
Well, going to bed now. We’ll be going to Kiso Valley tomorrow and after that we’ll begin the really long journey towards Sapporo.
Which are Himeji, Kyoto, Osaka ↩
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