Travel Journal – Wednesday 15/4 – 2015

Nightly preparations. Deep thoughts. Aching heart.

I’m doing some last minute adjustments to my packing and filling my external hard drive with some more anime’s and series in case of long boring evenings. But I have a sinking feeling that most of these preparations are very, very unnecessary and will prove to have been a waste of time. This time we have a lot to do and I have both the knowledge, money and the means to do them. So we might just be doing stuff all the time and never actually have time for downtime of this kind. I suspect that time to just watch movies, series or anime will not be often and the same goes for playing board games, even though I suspect this will happen more often since we might use this to get to know people. But we’ll see.

I’m in deep thoughts about the past, it’s hard not to be when something as heavy as the break-up with Louise weighs heavily on me still. Trying to return to the person I once were isn’t easy either since I’m not really the same person and had committed so much to her that I am handicapped without her. But I’m getting there. When I’m around people, doing things I love things moves forward. I’m trying to push my wish to take care of her and be kind to her onto others and show them greater patience and acceptance than they deserve as a way of compensating. It works sometimes towards people such as Rasmus or PB, but most of the time it’s not really so helpful.

I dread a possible dip in motivation though when we’ll arrive. The last time were with her in a journey that were supposed to be a revitalization of Japan. A way for me to appreciate it again and not associate the land of my dreams with bad feelings. But I fear that now that sham will hit me hard and I’ll get depressed or very unmotivated during the trip. And that’s when the movies will help. But hopefully I can kind myself again, as I did during the first trip back in 2008, and begin to find a confidence and security in life again. Polen helped a lot with that, but it wasn’t even close to enough. I need more, but I cannot just quit my job that I love to go away. And my job has been important to survive the past few months since she left me.

SO! Happy thoughts!

I see now when I return to the blog the funny widget about what I wrote years ago. in 2008, Lucien Wilk were leaving and in 2010 me and Drak was still tormented by Miiko to that temple. It was a fun and different experience, but now I’m tired of it. Miiko is a kind and cute old lady, but unfortunately I will probably not go to temple ever again. I’ve had enough of that and now I wish to learn other stuff and experience Japan more deeply.

Tomorrow will hopefully be fun. I’ve decided to be awake during the flight and try to be active with the others as much as possible. We will play board games (small ones I have in my backpack) and games on the iPad and also try to be productive. I’ll be discussing role-playing games with them and maybe have some free-form role-playing to have them explore my world in a manner which will help me get into Nianze once again. I miss my old world and it’s been too long since we adventured there.

I will probably post a couple of photos on FaceBook every day and we’ve decided to all write journal even though the others won’t write as much as me. I will also try to, if time and energy allows, to compile it all into a comprehensive journal after the trip.

Well, I should be going off to bed (I’m going up around 5 to do the following things:
Shower
Pack shoes
Make sure batteries are charged
Secure all my gear.
Lock the doors.

Well, good night!